You Can't Rush Your Healing

I just lived the most present month of my entire life. No image to uphold or aesthetic to create, just being. The presence of it all is that I've shared what I wanted to share and kept close to my heart other things as it felt right to do so. The stories I would normally write/tell became lived and that is all, nothing more nothing less. I love how my life FEELS to live despite what it looks like.

+video because ahhhh the sound of real laughter. The sound of fun and play and cleansing by water!

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/86a2cd_ff6bbde58bc44f669d572bd5a68d7e4c/1080p/mp4/file.mp4

I took off to Costa about a month ago fully prepared to document my travel and backpacking adventures and share them with the world. I have SO much content but at the end of the day I decided to do nothing with most of it. I shared a few reels on IG and made 1 blog post before I acknowledged that this trip wasn't the trip I would document (though stay posted because this year has only just begun). No, this trip was for me... for my lived experience... for my healing... for a clear message from myself and for the world about consciousness. The magic of it is indescribable and I want to keep that as a token of the "you can't rush your healing" memoir (sung by Trevor Hall lived by Mandee Logsdon).

Well, everybody's got that chapter Of dark and darker days, yeah Saturn seems to be returning And his essence can't be tamed Some may like to fight it Try to plan a secret attack But the more you push it The more it's pushin' you back

So, you can't rush your healing Darkness has it's teachings Love is never leaving You can't rush your healing Your healing

There is something sacred about engaging in experiences that are uniquely your own. This is me finding TRUE BALANCE in being, living and creating. This might be my first organic relationship with balance and it FEELS soooo good to live. There is nothing more special to me than being in love myself and my own life. I have deep gratitude for the raw, vulnerable and intimate moments of this season. I've been craving it for SO LONG! Good, bad, indifferent, it doesn't matter to me because it's REAL and it's HONEST. It didn't, hasn't, and won't continue to come without discomfort, hesitation or disorienting moments; This makes sense because I've been living in something completely different for a longggg time. I'm redefining my normal and this work is fucking delusional sometimes. I want to pause right here because I think that other people who have been existing in dishonest, toxic, gaslit, out of alignment spaces might find meaning in this part of my journey. I'm going to talk about some pretty intense things next and I need to mention that this is just my story. I am by no means a licensed professional but these are principles that I have taken and applied to my life from others who are licensed to do this kind of work. As all the great tarot readers say, "take what resonates and leave the rest".

Being lied to isn't fair, being a pawn in someone else's lessons doesn't feel good. Being emotionally abused even if the abuser has 0% awareness about what they are doing isn't ok, it should have never happened. So, let's just start by acknowledging this. The dark, heavy and painful moments we have been carrying ARE VALID yet temporary (if we want them to be). I love the lyrics "darkness has it's teachings" from that Trevor Hall song I linked above because it reminds me that despite the disorienting darkness (and I mean pitch black for me at times) I'm still here... I'm still growing... I'm capable of shifting the narrative day by day, one small aligned action after another. And trust me when I say that if I can do this, YOU can do it too.

By aligned action, I don't mean that it feels good all the time or that we make choices that we "want" to make all the time. In my journey this looks like actively choosing what I know is healthy for me despite the fact that I want to choose something else which is usually something that feels more normal like say... trauma or abuse. Trauma does live in our bodies, and over time it can slowly manipulate how we engage with ourselves and others. The body will protect subtly when it can, on purpose, because not catching our attention is silent protection at it's finest.

There is this common tactic in politics and other systemic systems to take micro actions over a long period of time to slowly get to the desired result. This is an effective strategy because the intended outcome won't be noticed by the general masses until you've already arrived at that outcome. It's the slow suggestions over time that end up shifting the paradigm. The slowness of it all helps people ease into that which you've intended without noticing and essentially protects the strategy itself. Also see manipulation. Our bodies are no different... it all starts with them doing what they are intended to do, sustain and protect... to keep us alive. When traumatic events occur our bodies react and if we survive then our bodies will store that defense, and file in the, "this works", folder for future protecting reference. I should note that most of this is happening subconsciously and it takes concerted effort to become aware of it, then more concerted effort to disarm and eventually change it. When something in the outside world threatens (triggers) the body with an experience that feels similar to something it's already survived it will rely on the survival tactics stored in the "this works" folder. The body will take these actions to protect even if the threat is only perceived and not actually real, though for the person living the experience it will feel real regardless. Even when you've gained awareness and are able to see that there is no real threat it's important to give grace, let the body have the experience it needs to in order to release. This is somatic healing and it is a slow, and it is an incredibly challenging thing that cannot be rushed.

There is so much more that I want to say about all of this like how you need safe spaces, conscious people, and better experiences to help you change the narrative ESPECIALLY if the original wound/trauma happened with other people. We all need better experiences to show our bodies that we are ok (actions, not just words). So, if the betrayal happened in a partnership, it's likely that we'll need to either move to a safer/more conscious space with that person to heal the betrayal wound, or if that's not possible (it does take both parties actively choosing) then perhaps just a safer human to have the better experience with. Any other way and we are compounding trauma on trauma. What we don't choose is still a choice so continuing to engage in the spaces were the trauma occurred without addressing (because this is easier sometimes) will intensify the bond with that trauma and those who've created it with us.

This is so easy to talk about in theory but in praxis this is sooooo much harder. Give yourself grace on grace on grace if you're committing to doing this work, and don't be hard on yourself if you react more than respond at first. Each time you disengage your body from a trauma response take the time to thank it for protecting you. I want to have a more connected and conscious relationship with myself, so, anytime that I sense the familiar feeling of "triggered" rising up in me I will take a moment to assess the situation and see if the treat it real. If it's not and I catch it before my body reacts then I'll respond by putting my hands on my heart, thanking my body endlessly for protecting me then letting it feel it's own healing energy. "Hey Mandee, I acknowledge that you sense a threat right now. You're amazing and I love that you love me enough to let me know. Thank you for telling me there was a potential threat but I'm actually ok right now and I'm going to handle things, no further action is needed right now". Slowly, over a period of time we can rewire our bodies and brains to exist more peacefully and approach triggers with curiosity vs. survival instinct. I don't think we'll ever rid ourselves of the trauma we've experienced, we just learn to hold it in a new light (but also I'm only 30 and I'll let you know if I have a different view on this in 60 years, lol). This is why they always say, "you can't rush your healing". Because acknowledging it will require us to slowly work our way back out by experimenting and practicing healthful things at a slower pace.

I think there is a common misconception floating around in society these days that "you need to be single to heal". That notion somehow got combined with don't rush your healing slogan and BAM! we now have a, "you need to be completely single/absent from these spaces for a long time to heal" narrative. This in itself can be the trauma especially if you're the type of person who prefers to run vs. stay or has an avoidant attachment style. "Spend some time with yourself", "Stop dating for a while", blah blah blah. I think there is validity in this if our body quite literally needs a break from the trauma; we do tend to engage with the same types of people, places, experiences that feel normal to us. And if we haven't addressed our trauma then yes, we will throw ourselves back into trauma over and over because that's what feels normal. Only you will know what serves you best on your healing journey but don't fall for the you need to be single to heal if your soul is calling you to heal in sacred spaces with others. Don't run from that!

Let's acknowledge the toxic things we attract, are attracted to, or display ourselves... if we see that these things stem from trauma well then... we can work with that. By knowing, then actively choosing different, we might discover that being in relational dynamics with others can be quite liberating. If it feels boring, wrong, this isn't it, I don't feel that intense draw like I do with such and such, insert whatever phrase you hear yourself say when interacting with something you know is healthy, engage more with that type. Earnestly explore that which feels off. Remember that healthy things might not feel "right" to you because you're not used to healthy. I'm telling you right now that if you're operating from a wound and not a secure place when making choices... then you just might find that the other person, experience, life you think is more in alignment will likely prove to be the repetition of a cycle that provides you yet another chance for you to heal the same thing your current space is likely already offering you. I know because I've done it, sooooo.... many... times. Choose to heal even if if the person, place, experience you're in doesn't end up being your "this is it", that's ok. The exception to this is that if the person, place, space you're in doesn't provide you clear communication and a safe space to do the work then yes, remove yourself. Being triggered over and over without a grounded, safe person, place or space just compounds the wound. We are actively trying to disconnect with compounded traumatic experiences.

The last thing I want to say around this is probably quite obvious if you've done even a tiny amount of your own work but... softly, gently, kindly hold space for others. Extend grace, approach other people's responses and reactions with curiosity and understanding. Be open to providing people with a better experience if you're capable and if you're not then be HONEST. Clear is kind, be clear about what you have to offer others especially if you're someone they've chosen to open up about these things with... this shit is vulnerable as hell!!! This is real consciousness, this is what raising the vibration actually means. The only way out is through, day by day, one aligned action after another we come back into sacred union with source (ourselves). I'm calling bullshit on selfishly living our lives solely with concern for how it makes us feel. We've all inflicted trauma on others (knowingly or not), we've all experienced others inflictions, perpetuations and extensions of unhealed spaces within. No human is an exception to this and if you think you are then get your ass back to the start of your own cycle line cause hunny you're going again. You might be thinking well, "I've done my work", there is no "done" there is only expansion. Once you begin expanding then you hold safe spaces for others to expand.

I don't normally put two songs in one post but there is this beautiful song called "Move With Purpose" by Said The Sky and it just feel right to close out this post with it. I've interpreted some lyrics (as I do), see the interpretation below.

Sing for something, or I don't really wanna know Live for something, what will you have to show? We could wait, we could wait for you I could wait, I could wait for you

Is your heart beating any time other than when you tell it to? Is your head thinking 'bout anything other than what you want it to? I can show you how to move with purpose and feel the world around Maybe I could be the one to bring you right back to you

Take a risk and give yourself a chance to grow It's within you, even when you feel alone You just wait, feelings change, it's true You won't always feel so goddamn blue

First of all, this song extends so much support and grace to the subject (in my head it's a human to human conversation). The very notion of "I can wait for you" is a patient and selfless act that notices all timelines and deems them worthy. I love that it is followed by the writer encouraging the other to take all the time they need to seek and live their purpose. By far my favorite line of this song is "I can show you how to move with purpose and feel the world around. Maybe I could be the one to bring you right back to you".

UGH! I have a beautiful new connection in my life that shows me daily how to engage, with purpose, in this world. How to actually feel into things around me and interact in healthy ways for all parties involved. The key here is all parties involved, because genuinely everyone's experiences are valid and should be honored with the utmost respect. And again, if you've doing the work and are expanding then "showing others how to move with purpose" and being "the one to bring them right back to them" is a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL extension of source magic. Check your ego, the "I'm higher vibration than you so let me help and fix" energy is not what I'm talking about. What I am talking about it the, "This work is really hard, but you're doing great and I will hold this space for you as long as humanly possible because you are worth it".

This song feels soft to me, it feels grounded and stable and operating from a balanced masculine/feminine energy space. It feels like the kind of person that can hold and be held. The kind of person who has experienced some shit and having lived through it can now gently, softly, confidently hold the space for the next graduating class of self healers. I welcome expansion, I am slamming the fucking door on this cycle!

Genuinely here for our healing,

Beth Unbound