I Thought It'd Feel Different
- Jan 29, 2022
- 7 min read
Updated: Feb 13, 2022
How many times have you wanted something, maybe even earnestly manifested something, only to find out it isn't at all how you'd envisioned it? Standing in a moment that is so different than how you'd imagined it would feel? Apparently Ed Sheeran has felt this before. First Times slaps...
I thought it'd feel different playing Wembley Eighty thousand singing with me It's what I've been chasing 'cause this is the dream
Life is a journey and that includes the moments we chase down something that turns out to not be what we want. I'm embracing these moments as redirection, accepting and allowing them to exist without judgement. I'm not perfect in this practice and I haven't always chosen that mindset. If you're not choosing that mindset right now, then don't, it's ok. If you feel sorry for yourself and the wasted time, allow the tinge of disappoint to be. Someday you will wake up and the disappointment from those moments will have seemingly faded. Or, at least, you're able to tell the story without intensely connecting to the feelings of it. Life is fucking weird. If Ed Sheeran didn't make this point abundantly relatable (you mean we can't all pack out Wembley and know that it feels different than we imagined?) then let me tell you my short, basic ass version from the age of 8 until today.
I remember my 8th birthday party. It was special because in my family we only celebrated 1, 8, 13 and 16. You'd have to ask my mom if they have meaning or if she just pulled some random numbers out of her ass and made it a tradition. But, for all of us girls, these were the birthdays we got parties for. My 8th birthday party was the first I remember (sorry I can't fill you in on my 1st, per my mom it was mostly filled with a bunch of vomit because in America we love to stand around watching infant babies eating their fill of sugar cake until they hurl, lol). My 8th was a backyard party because my birthday is in June and we had an amazing swimming pool with a water slide. I vividly remember waking up that day so excited, I jolted out of bed and ran downstairs to make my appearance as an eight year old. The morning was slow and didn't feel all that special, not how I imagined it would feel after watching Maggie live out the morning of her 8th only 14 months earlier. On her birthday I thought about how special she was feeling in literally every moment. It never occurred to me to ask if that was true. The projections and stories we tell ourselves man.
My mom kissed my head and said, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart" as Olivia started crying. My mom shuffled off to attend to my baby sister... again. I guess it made me happy to get a birthday kiss but I don't know... I thought I'd be more excited by those words or that she'd gush over and over again. Stupid baby Olivia always got mom's attention these days, like couldn't she just not cry on my birthday? Later, my mom made chocolate chip pancakes because DUH. They weren't my favorite batch she ever made and that felt strange, I thought birthday pancakes tasted the best? That was the 2rd thing that didn't feel how I imagined it would.
My uncle Jimmy stopped in hours before the party to drop off a card (with money) because he had to work during the party. He said, "You're going to like that card". Naturally, I became very excited to open it but he said I couldn't until my party started... sad. I actually remember thinking there was something wrong with me because I got disappointed so many times on my birthday. I looked around at the decorations everywhere and felt re-energized. I have friends coming and that was something to look forward to, so I ran around the house with excitement thinking how they would all be excited to get here. I began the countdown 1 hour before, then any other minute I could do the math on, shouting to anyone in the house that would listen. The moments really couldn't pass quick enough.
I stared at the clock as the minute hand turned hour 3 to a 4 then screamed, "It's party time!". I ran out the front door half expecting to see everyone I invited standing on the lawn. But there was no one, was no one coming to my party? I slowly backed myself back through the door. Then nestling into my mom's arm, tears in my eyes I tried to hide the disappoint in my heart. She said, "What's wrong, Mandee?". I muttered, "No one (sniff) wants to (gasp for air) come to my party (full on waterworks)". My mom hugged me as she assured me that people wanted to come, and would show up. "It's only 4:01 Mandee, there is probably traffic". Yea... traffic... I could believe that and so I did.
Friends did eventually show up to my party and there were moments I had forgotten about the fact that the day felt different that I'd imagined. It was good, not as magical as the story I created in my head but good in a lot of ways I did prepare for. This party was followed by an entire era of teenage disappointments. There was my very unmagical first kiss in the mall parking garage with Jonathan. The way I didn't "feel Jesus", like everyone around me, at my first youth conference. Graduating high-school was supposed to remarkable right? I was mostly confused about what to do next. Mitchell (my high-school sweetheart) proposed to me the fall after graduation and it "should" have felt like a dream. I swear to god the main thing I remember about that night was being sick in the car. Going off to college, my wedding, moving out of my parents house, the list goes on... Why does life feel different than I imagined it would? Why aren't these moments as grand as I believed they would be?
Reflection is powerful. And when I reflect on a lot of these events I find some interesting things:
If you're trying to recreate someone else's party, it probably won't feel the way you thought it would
If you're trying to force magic into moments, it probably won't feel the way you thought it would
If you're trying to experience something that someone told you that you should experience, it probably won't feel the way you thought it would
Turns out that I'm an empath. I didn't, and still don't, like birthday parties for me or settings where all eyes/energies on me because it’s hard for me to relax and just be present. I thought that people coming to see my party mattered more than how I felt about having people I like at my party. I remember fooling around with Jonathan, putting our bodies close together, experimenting and slowly preparing myself for the kiss I knew I'd want one day, but I wasn't ready to kiss Jonathan (or anyone for that matter). I thought that feeling Jesus' presence was the ultimate indicator of love, I wish we were told when we were younger that the ultimate love is experiencing our authentic selves. I had really bad entrapment anxiety in high-school and having to sit in a chair for hours without getting up for graduation felt like torture to the max. Saying yes to a man professing his love to me felt like something I was supposed to want even if it didn't feel like how I'd imagined. I wanted to be a photographer without going to college not dedicating my life to a degree that would make me worthy to the world, on paper. I wanted to move out of my parents house so I could have experiences I needed to have not because I felt ready to be on my own. I got married because I felt pressure... I mean my relationship felt super safe and a girl should be dreaming about her wedding day so why not. Things I can see clearly now but maybe not so much then.
As it stands, I don't regret any of these moments or the versions of me that existed in those moments. In fact, at the time, perhaps they were my truth. Truths can change. We can convince ourselves of pretty much anything if we're not careful, or maybe recklessly convincing ourselves of wanting things in their right time is the point of life. Who am I to say? I'm just here, a human, like you all are. I think it's ok to fervently want something, chase it down and then change your mind. In fact, I think that is a beautiful display of balancing curiosity and alignment.
To say that I'm not severely disappointed about my current lot in life would be a lie. I am very disappointed with the outcomes vs. the story I created in my head about this season. This probably goes without saying but, releasing those outcomes and allowing what is to be is a much better approach. There are some really hard lessons I'm being made to learn right now, and yes, maybe I'm hard on myself because it feels like I've been here before. It feels like I failed a test, I'm tired of this test and I want to move past it. I tell myself this feeling is temporary and move forward one day at a time. I'm telling myself that this season is good reminder of all the other moments that I thought would be different and still love. I love all my moments, even the hard ones. Holistically, my life has been pure magic so... this is no different. I have no idea what this next season holds. I'm not creating the story before it happens, I am just living now. I made some dope ass new connections and I'm not sure I would have met them if this story played out any other way. I made some choices about where I'm going next and I think that kind of aligned action is exactly what the universe was waiting for from me. Are they the right choices? Idk, what is right? (lol) I made them and now I can relax into living and receiving. This will be MORE than any story I could have created in my head.
I hope we stay open, and curious. That we know ourselves enough to feel misalignment sooner each time. That we are brave enough to express the things that we thought would feel different vs. playing a role in a story that isn't ours. Most of all, that we exist in our authenticity with ourselves and others. I hope we accept the moments we thought would feel different and also allow ourselves to feel moments we never expected to have. If we want a whole story then we must allow ourselves to experience the whole damn thing.
Mandeebeth
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