I Love Her All The Same

I am no longer just emotionally surviving. No longer trying to figure out to get from here to there. I have been washed in clarity and peace. The weeks have shown me bits of myself that I haven't had the space to see, or the emotional safety to feel. So, to be here, in this space, I am grateful.

I am sitting at August's house on a Wednesday afternoon. This place carries weight; It's where I survived my bender of 2021, were my ex and I made the most magical love as we came back together (hoping for a lifetime and finding ourselves in excommunication). I took my mom's favorite photo of me here, I binged all of Selling Sunset in one week in this house, I dreamed about backpacking around Costa Rica and what booking that ticket would feel like (life before it actually happened). If these walls could talk the things they would say. I fully expected to have some kind of reaction being back here; Much like my experiences in Tamarindo, the boardwalk, and parking garage at Skyhouse, just to name a few. I haven't though, and I cannot say how great that feels. I feel reborn.

I'm taken back to a conversation last week with my therapist. I asked her so many questions about how to navigate the journey into a new life because I feel like I'm settling into a whole new life. Two years ago when I started deeply exploring Shamanism I read an article about a ceremony that stuck with me. In this ceremony the community celebrates a person who has undergone something hard and now offers the tribe and society new skills (It could be a divorce, gaining education, taking on new responsibilities, anything really). I became very attached to the idea of this, as if I somehow knew I was about to have my own experience in this way. In each season of this journey when I thought I had made it through the thick of it it'd start to plan a party... only to discover deeper/harder things waiting for me soon after. It is always the moment that I thought about throwing myself the ceremonial party that the next leg of the journey would begin. I almost came to expect it, which is why it makes sense that I look around every corner now waiting for the other shoe to drop, like staying at Auggy's house (lol). However, there was a deep knowing within me that after Tamarindo it was FINALLY over. I mean truly it is never over until it is, this is life but I'm focused more on this season. This journey.

There is a key difference between all those other times and right now and it's that I let myself die in Tamarindo. At least the cycle, and the parts not serving me. Like, seriously Taylor and I had an unforeseen funeral on the beach. My grandmother, Joan Josephine, was there along with my guides and other ancestors... I felt them. I felt a hug so damn tight from my grandmother, a grip that when released tangibly felt like relief. Since that moment how I show up and move in this world is forever changed. I used to cling so tightly to my spirituality, to finding meaning in the smallest things just to make it all make sense... to make it all feel good. Now I just accept, good/bad/indifferent I'm living in it and for it. I can fully accept that which is. Peacefully or uncomfortably sit in it, whatever it is. Letting my old self die is the hardest and best thing I've ever done and it's been such a long time coming.

I spent ages grieving and wanting desperately to connect with the old me... to go back to before I met Holly, before our encounter changed me forever. All I did was cling and cry about the moments I missed and was missing... I used to be happy and full of life before her, I want that Mandee back. In these grief filled moments I couldn't see the beautiful life sitting right in front of me, waiting. A life FULL of people that deserve to be here, that choose to be here. A life full of expansion into communities and things I would have never thought to try (breathwork, zouk, nomadic life, and more). A life that aligns with my values; authenticity, travel, abundance, community, laughter and unconventionality. A life uniquely designed for me, and ready to be lived. AT least this is what I see when I look at my life now. I'm starry eyed, marveling at the the human I am... at what this trial period has made me into. At what I've overcome because I choose to do my work and stop repeating the cycles (the deep introspection of the moon card has brought about the star card). I finally choose my best life, I finally started living.

One of my favorite musical artists of all time, IDER; It's their harmony, their lyrics, the authentic/vulnerable stories they creatively tell. They released a new song last month, Knocked Up.

"One way or another we're all addicted to our pain MY pain, MY shame is MY weight gain I light a candle for my old self I light a candle for my old shame I stroke her hair and I tell her That I love her all the same"

I'm going to take this out of context (as one does) but the original meaning of this song is equally as beautiful as what it means to me. It's true, that we are all addicted to our pain, naturally, it shapes our lives. It affects the way we tell our stories, and the lens in which we view the world through, how we connect with others, and the stories we tell to ourselves on a daily basis.. there is nothing more addictive than the actions of a human being experiencing life in great pain. I'm starting to see this so clearly now. What we'll do for reprieve! What we'll do to escape, deny, exchange, ignore, and avoid the painful/shameful things! Funny though, because moving through and getting acquainted with these aspects of ourselves is actually the only way to gain the reprieve we desire but we'll addictively do as we do... until we no longer can.

MY pain, MY shame is MY need to make it all make sense. Nothing makes sense, everything makes sense and yet again, nothing at all makes sense. I truly carried so much shame around why I didn't understand. Why did my family, friends, therapist and community see something I could not see? I psychoanalyzed obsessively why she couldn't stay, why she didn't want to be with me. Did she not want to be with me or could she not be, because there is a difference. Did it even matter if I knew that answer because the outcome was the same. Do I stay or do I go? Do I wait patiently for the greatest love story of all time to finally have its shot? Do I engage in half hearted connections knowing that she'd return? Am I just killing time? Do I cut the cord and call it all quits? Is this even love? Omg, Do I know what love is? Do I talk to my friends about it, again? Do I just go live a life that feels lackluster without her? Am I being too much? Are my friends annoyed? Will the feelings ever change? I need help.

I can still feel the shame I sat in trying to come to terms with everything for myself. I didn't want to talk about it for the fear of the few people I did have left abandoning me; and so the shame grew. Thank you to the humans that never stopped showing up, loving me, holding space, and encouraging me. You've accelerated my rebirth by fanning the embers that give life to this phoenix rising from her ashes. I can smile about those shameful bits now because I know them intimately. I'll still feel pain/shame, I'm just not afraid of them. I stoke their hair and tell them that I love them all the same.

I light a candle for my old self, for my old shame. For her life, and her death bringing me into this season of rebirth. I brightly welcome the changed me as I live a life worth living, EVERY DAMN DAY. I simultaneously welcome and honor both version though they are not mutually exclusive.

To the parts of mandeebeth, I love you all the same.

🦋 MB