Saudade
- May 17, 2022
- 3 min read
Updated: May 19, 2022
I wrote this two weeks ago, so I guess I'm a little late to the publish button.
Regardless, here is my recount of the great chapter close of the Urban Jungle.
I know this move is the right thing, the next thing, the best thing yet I feel the tinge of a desire to stay. I'm talking about wistful, yearning, longing for everything that it has been and meant to me. I have a love hate relationship with these kind of moments because balance is hard for me to find. I'm notorious for falling too deeply into one polarity over the other, often to the point of forgetting there is an opposing experience. To take these kind of leaps I have to close my eyes, step off the ledge and lean into the trust I have in myself. Fully. Don't think too hard about it (lol).
...
I needed to put the leftover beers into the fridge from paddle boarding today, which is why I ended up back at my apartment tonight instead of the house that I'm house sitting at. I stayed a while, ended up taking a bath, laying on my bed and looking around at my fully packed apartment. Everything staged and ready for the move tomorrow. I didn't just look around, I noticed myself looking around. I noticed me listening to the still quiet night. I closed my eyes and leaned into the slow down. I imagined what my eyes looked like from the outside staring at the packed apartment. Holy shit! I move tomorrow! There have been so many false alarms on having to "say goodbye" to the Urban Jungle that I think I subconsciously thought this wasn't real... it is. I get out my journal and write. The gratitude, the memories, the people, the expansion and evolution. I write all the way to the very last page in my pink butterfly notebook. As I close the binding it hit me that, Rich gifted me this journal as a housewarming present when I moved into this space. The journal, now a tangible correlation to both the beginning and the end of this chapter... perhaps this book?
I cry at the irony of it all, at first softly then all at once. I cry deep soulful tears as I grieve the final link to a storyline that I no longer belong in. I don't think I will ever get used to the feeling of this saudade, no matter how many times I experience it. It feels like.... like Rich and I's friendship and this pink journal I'm holding; Nothing left to build upon, no more pages to write on, yet I wish there were. Like the Urban Jungle, and living inside it's walls; A place I used to call home and now is not, yet I wish it to be. This notion is a profound, deep, sweet, repressed pain pleasure. Laced with a perpetual desire for what once was but can no longer be. It's the acknowledgment of the the things that used to make me come alive, yet are no more. It lives in unison with the hope I have for the next book of my life but like I said... I'm not so great at balance.
I ended the night in my apartment sitting on the edge of the dark; Literally, figuratively, and lyrically. I free flowed some gratitude & "prayer", if you will. Sent directly to the ethers and this energetic space from my heart. It's a very vulnerable expression of the pain pleasure I feel. I am me so why not share really vulnerable moments online with complete strangers (lol). Don't be afraid of your own pain pleasures for they are the raw, real and rousing meaning of this fucking thing we call life.
If these walls could talk... Thank you so much. Thank you for holding me. For loving me. For witnessing some of the best moments of my life. Also the worst. For all of the people who have come here and and felt at home, at peace, protected and safe. Me. These have been the best years of my life, so far. I don't know what it's like beyond here, I don't know what is next. It's so hard to say goodbye to this. It's so hard to say goodbye. But at the same time I know its time, I know that I have to. I know that I have to. Thank you. Thank you so much. I hope whoever is here next experiences as much love as I have in here. 444
Until I know what is next, MB
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