Wind Horse & Prayer Flags

I started this day falling off the deep end. Truth be told I started the past few weeks falling off the deep end but ya know what? I'm still here so that's rad. I've been ebbin and flowin through the complexities and dramas of daily life. It's a lot right now, even for someone like me who I consider to be very equipped to handle such complexities and mostly with ease. Lately, I'm like "damn look at me go, look at me living my life, look at me catching my healing, leveling up and manifesting the life of my dreams". And then 10 minutes later I'm like, "you aint shit, and your momma aint shit, and your daddy aint" (let's be best friends if you get the reference, ok? lol).

I had to wake up earlish for a call today. The hostel I'm at doesn't have stable wifi to begin with but today of all days, when I needed to pitch my weekly marketing strategy, it went down down (like actually offline). I had a freak out moment then stood up and walked it off allowing myself the time to feel and release before coming back to it. I finally did get on the call and as soon as I start talking the hostel turned the music up in the work space I was in (fucking dead). Normally this would be funny to me but I woke up in a shaky space to begin with and everything that proceeded was just pissing me off. I didn't leave a lot of room for myself on the front end of the day, and I just wanted to get this done so I could bust out of the work vibe and go surfing with Taylor. I'll spare you the boring details, basically I got the call done along with a few other things and was ready for my day around 1pm... except not exactly. As we are about to walk out the door to leave I'm hit with a trauma activation, and it was brutal. Like I had to step away and kill the plans for the day kind of brutal. I honestly should have seen this coming, I've been sitting on it for weeks unaddressed and I'm also in a space of great healing. Like, come on, we all know what happens when we don't give ourselves space to deal with that which needs to be dealt with. YEP, you guessed it... mental breakdown. This one was beautiful in that it taught me a lot about myself but I only came to understand that after the fact.

For anyone out there who actively practices meditation, body scans or checking in with themselves... do you ever get in that space where you've waited too long to check in so when you finally do it isn't exactly the low key experience you were expecting but rather a high key explosion? I was actually getting mad at myself for why I couldn't figure out what I needed and why I've been feeling so agitated by dumb shit. But, when I asked myself what I needed I did so with the intention of fixing it vs. sitting down with it in great love. It's such a gentle experience to sit with and hold space for yourself, I find peace and comfort in this action. It's a completely different experience when you berate yourself or only show up to fix something that isn't even wrong to begin with.

My favorite method for returning to self is music, if you guessed this before I finished the sentence please give yourself a pat on the back (lol). I sent out a prayer to the wind by taking a deep breath and holding it, while holding it I thought deeply on what I needed then blew it into the hot afternoon air in Costa Rica. I closed my eyes and pictured that prayer floating gently into the ethers. Destination? Exactly where it needs to be (aka the fuck if I know, but I trust). I put my Spotify playlist on shuffle and ask the universe to play me something that I needed and here's what we got... Windhorse by Of The Trees. I've listened to this song probably 200 times and never actually listen, like really listened, to the lyrics.

Boy, I got a question, baby Where did I lose my grip? I'm floating off the concrete, baby Time doesn't make sense to me I stopped listenin' I fell back asleep I lost track of living in a dream And I don't ever wanna leave

Can't come out, baby, then I'll fall Fall too deep in the thought of losing ya I'm losing ya

I'm losing ya I'm losing ya Come back to me Back to me

I heard the words, "Where did I lose my grip" and instantly started crying. I wanted to say to the universe that I don't know why I'm crying and proceed to not ask myself any further questions around the matter. But, I'm me so here we go... there is no bypassing here just real, raw, honest me. The answer to "why am I crying" is... everything. Where did I lose my grip on being myself, or my grip on my most recent relationship? Or any relationships for that matter. Thoughts of me losing myself in meaningless work, in things I don't even enjoy doing. Losing myself in others expectations of me, losing myself in wanting egoic ideas to pan out, even losing myself in heady thoughts that aren't reality. I'm sitting here desperately clinging to clarity and the song plays on... "I'm losing ya". All I can think about is me slipping away. The visual I got was of my soul literally floating out of my body, that was just laying on the concrete. I cry harder, after all the work I've done on myself it doesn't feel good to be losing myself, she's the last person I want to slip away from, but I let it happen.

See, my first thought was that even my soul doesn't want to be here with me so it's leaving me too like everything else. I write this in my journal:

"You're floating in and out of reality, questioning your very essence because you're caught somewhere between who you used to be and who you're becoming but not fully in either experience. You're wondering if you've lost your damn mind or if this is normal but there isn't a lot of time for questions much less answers. You come back to the present moment, again and again and again but the memories of who you were return, nudging you backwards followed by the dreams of who you want to be, jolting you forward. Motion sick and disoriented you're despaired and hopeful, lost and found all at once by the thought of losing yourself"

I made a visual representation, because duh and here is what it felt like. The peace and the disorientation. The hope and the fear. The feeling of losing me as well as the little glimpses of who I used to be and bits of future me too... What I will later realize is that in letting go I will lose many things, but not myself... no, I'll find her.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/4e7320_c7632afafbd4464aab4c4f352ea595e8/1080p/mp4/file.mp4

As I close the cover of my journal something happened... my friend Joc messaged me on IG, "I understand exactly what I have to do, I see it so perfectly now!". This is of course in reference to another conversation that I just couldn't relate to in this moment. I muttered something affirming but lowkey just wanted to punch the universe for showing me more people moving towards clarity while I'm still stuck in this space; Disorientingly trying to be authentic to my truth while letting go in good faith that once I release, that truth will change and be clear. I tell her I could use clarity and she says she's got some time and space so I pop off. I say that I feel like I've been in a garden maze for 2 years. I have no idea where I am going but I just keep making decisions about the next turn because I have no choice, I want out and the only way out is through. She says a few words then leads me through an IG DM guided mediation that goes something like this:

I want you to picture yourself in a garden maze and you come across a mirror & instead of seeing you, you see (insert relevant person/place/thing to you, for me this was my ex, Holly). Now, when you first see it you get scared, there are dark clouds forming and you start to breath heavy. The breathing is so bad you have to sit down for a second. Holly, in the mirror, sits down too. You put your hand on the glass and so does she. You notice that every move you make so does Holly. Your breathing gets a little easier as time passes and then you start to see that it's not Holly in the mirror at all... it's you... everything starts to change. The sun comes out, birds are chirping and now you're having fun with it. You see... every lesson you've experienced in your life has imprinted you and reflects back that which is YOU. We can choose to hide from it and give it power or we can look at it and change it, be soft to it, kind to it. Holly didn't come to yourself for you to hate yourself... she came into your life to teach you to love yourself even more. Now you reach into that mirror and you hug the shit out of yourself (the girl who loved Holly, the girl who has ever loved anyone). Life is full of these little lessons and once you own them you will become a more powerful woman. You will gain armor, and a new sword or weapon that you wear proudly. That girl behind the mirror will protect you! There are multiple mirrors in your maze babe, confront them.

It's all perspective! So now I'm back to the vision I previously had and instead of seeing my soul leaving my body and thinking, "I'm losing ya", I now see something different. I see my soul reaching out it's hand saying "Come back to me". I stopped listening'. I fell back asleep. I lost track of her while living in a dream that I didn't to wanted to leave. Such a bizarre thing to see and feel yourself fragmented across two seemingly different yet real versions of yourself. I had to journal it out then go spend some time by the water.

This whole ordeal took like 3 hours so now it's 4:30pm and I'm finally headed on a 30 minute trek through the winding roads of Manuel Antonio to go to a private beach I found. I really just need to be alone with nature and so I will be.

I binged Windhorse for 45 minutes straight while walking to Playa La Vaca, it was quite dynamic; From who the fuck am I to I'm the fucking shit (this experience is concurrent with my day, lol). When I arrived, I rolled out my beach towel and made a little home where I would spend the next 2 hours swimming, crying, laughing, dreaming and asking a fuck ton of questions.

There were two older couples on the beach, middle aged, not American, and wealthy from what I perceived. At one point, I glanced over and made prolonged eye contact with one of the men. I thought to myself, "I wonder what he does for a living? Do they travel often? Are they in love? What even is love?" When I looked away I noticed the sunset... so many beautiful fucking colors and this folks is why I can't stay away from Costa Rica. I packed up. There is this patch of open forest that I noticed during my walk to the beach. When I saw it earlier, I thought, "I'd like to dance here", so when I saw the opening again on my walk back I gave myself permission to dance, no music just the sounds of life. I saw a quote earlier in the week that said "The Earth has music for those who listen" and in that moment right there in the jungle I recalled the quote. If La Planeta es en nuestros manos then la planeta is definitely going to always have a dance partner in it's hands.

I thought about what I would do when I get back to the hostel, I didn't even want to go back to the hostel. I wanted to stay out all night, dance in the moonlight, sing to the goddesses and cry into the ocean but that 4am wake up call would come all too soon so I started the hike. About halfway I saw a sign that said "best sangria" and idk why but a sunset sangria sounded like beautiful medicine for my weary ass soul. I walked into the villa and sat down. I couldn't get my sangria frozen so I ordered a frozen margarita instead and I sucked it down sooooo fast, a bitch was thirsty. The lady working swung by and said "Una Mas" and I was like "fuck it, Si". I sipped my drink until the sun set completely!

Just as I was getting ready to get up and leave a couple sat down next to me. We acknowledged each other with a smile then the man struck up conversation. They are on holiday and wanted to go somewhere warm. He' from Germany, she's from Italy, they met in China 3 years ago and moved to Switzerland together... I'm enthralled. We talked for an entire hour seamlessly. Every detail of their story had my mouth watering for more. I just want to know people like this, it doesn't have to be forever or even a long time I'm just craving deep conversation and authentic connection. I want all of the time in the world to sip frozen margaritas and meet people from everywhere during a Pura Vida sunset.

Eventually I told them I should be getting back and they said, "If you're headed this way we will walk with you" and sure enough I was headed that way, so the conversation carried on; the political state of America, where they should go when they finally do visit the states, corporate vs. entrepreneurial lifestyles, etc. I kept wondering when one of us would say, "I'm this way" and we'd peel off our separate ways but we just kept walking. At one point, and I'm not making this shit up, the sprinklers turned on on a property we were walking by and it was like a scene out of a movie. The 3 of us running through the street trying to beat the rhythm of the water and failing miserably. We arrived at the other side soaking wet and laughing our asses off. This moment brought me unadulterated joy! It was a such a simple reminder that life is found in the little unplanned moments and mostly when you surrender. Is this who I am becoming? Or am I already embodying the life of my dreams? This is the first time that I thought about my current life as that which already is vs. a far off thing. It served as a hit of bring future me into the present moment.

This comes full circle because I started looking more into wind horse meanings as I return to the song once more. If you don't know, in shamanic culture, Wind Horse is symbol of the human soul. It's also the name given to a type of prayer flag in Tibet (this part was news to me so I looked into it further). You can read more about Tibetan Prayer Flags here because what I'm about to share is just my personal takeaway and while I am a feen for culture and expanded world views I am in no way an expert on the truth of these things. Traditionally, prayer flags are used to promote peace, compassion, strength, and wisdom. Each one of these things I have been understanding on a deeper level these past two years so that alone felt like a sign!

The center of the prayer flags features a horse (aka wind horse) and specifically this horse represents speed and the transformation particularly of bad fortune to good fortune. Surrounding the horse are around 400 traditional mantras. The Tibetans believe the prayers and mantras will be blown by the wind to spread the good will and compassion into all pervading spaces. Therefore, prayer flags are thought to bring benefit to all. As wind passes over the surface of the flags, which are sensitive to the slightest movement of the wind, the air is purified and sanctified by the mantras.

I LOVE this, let me be a prayer flag. Let me be the sensitive bitch that I am, in tune to the vibrations of others and this planet. Let me be of service and benefit to those I encounter (not as a martyr but as a mirror and life giver). I resonate with the idea of a prayer flag SO MUCH. I want to hang my mantras to the deities... I want to send so much love into the world that it explodes with uncontrollable laughter, sheer joy and expansion; so mote it be. If you feel like you’re losing yourself… let her go!! You just might find the peace you’re looking for in the release and surrender to who your soul Is trying to be 🦋

"May I see this day and be protected beyond it"

- my prayer for you, for me, for us

Transformatively Yours,

Beth Unbound