When This Is Over

If you know me then you know that walking the boardwalk near my apartment is my favorite past time:

*meets a new friend* "Want to grab coffee and walk the boardwalk with me?"

*goes on a date* "How do you feel about walking the boardwalk and talking?"

*has an emotional breakdown* "I just need to listen to music at that special spot on the boardwalk."

*wants to reconnect with nature* "The only nature I'll accept is the nature surrounding the boardwalk."

I digress (lol). Anyways, the point is that I walk it a lot. There are these super cute condos off the boardwalk that I've always been drawn to. They don't look like all the other apartments and condos in the area and I've wondered many times about what they look like inside or what the energy is like there. I'm happy to say that my time has come because I finally booked a house sitting gig here and I will finally have the answers to my curiosities about this place. First impression? What is this heaven? And I mean that aesthetically and energetically. [SPOILER ALERT] after experiencing todays synchronistic flow here, I'm really looking forward to what I'll uncover by the end of the week!

This afternoon, I'm sitting at the table pictured here, working. Nothing special. In fact it's been a busy work week and I've been cranking out so much shit that I sort of got lost in the shuffle of it all. A colleague and I were supposed to be working on a project related to the space management tool we are testing/developing but instead we spent an hour talking about life. It wasn't even casually catching up either, it was deep. She lost her mom recently and is tackling everything that follows that while also coming off a very intense year. I think the similarities in her story and mine pulled me out of this grind mode I've been in and opened me up to the conversation. We haven't connected in nearly a year, both have taken leave of absences at work to sort out personal things. We chatted therapy, specifically good ones covered under our insurance (raise your hand if you can relate, lol). And then she goes on...

She says she has basically been living out of suitcases for a year, bopping around and trying to take care of all the people, places and things that need to be taken care of while struggling with grief and lots of other things. I laughed as she expressed the "interesting things you find out about yourself, and life" as you detract from all the stuff. This lesson feels familiar, as I too have been living out of suitcases since May. I tell her my story about my side hustles, the nomadic life I've been leading while trying to pay off debt and I throw in the parts about the grief and emotional aspects of the past year. There are really juicy details to this conversation, just imagine opening up to your closest friend about the hardest things you're experiencing and basically that was us. What's strange is that we aren't all that close and normally I'm VERY picky about the people in which I choose to share intimate details of my life with but we both just naturally surrendered to the conversation. I know for me personally there was a lot of love, space held and encouragement from someone I wouldn't have expected to receive it from and that reminded me that opening up my heart feels good.

After I finished a portion of my story about how I don't know what's next and I'm finally ok with that, she expresses what might be the coolest thing I've heard in a minute. "You know Mandee, the place you are in is really cool even if it doesn't seem that way. Though, based off of the way you're sharing it seems you have found really good perspective. If you can stay in this place of balance and continue being ok with it, I promise in 20 years you'll look back and never regret this season. The adventure you're creating from really hard shit and how you're open to life changing your perspective is powerful."

I'm not gonna lie, I was thinking to myself that I must have overplayed how well I was doing because the energy of her words didn't seem to match the place I'm in... like no no, to be clear the balance isn't there and I'm really not ok but I'm trying to be? Eheh. So, the call ends, I get her number, we exchange some photos of dogs and that's that, back to our respective days. I put music back on (you have to know by now that I'm not kidding when I say music is literally playing all day everyday where ever I'm at, music is lyfeeee!) This song comes on... first of all, it's the god damn intro for me (why is it so beautiful?) Second of all, these words:

When this is over Will we be haunted by how it ends? When this is over Will we remember how it was back then?

I know the song is clearly about a relationship ending, that part resonates a lot actually, but the energy of the song is something else. It's nostalgic in a very present way. It's honest, serving no one but the one who wrote it. It's the kind of song that says, "take my hands and let's explore this together", which is basically me to me for quite some time now; I feel extra close to it. Furthermore, the song got me stirring again on the conversation with my colleague. When she said I wouldn't regret this in 20 years, I really tried to envision Mandee in 20 years and what advice she might offer to me in this current place. I wondered what nostalgic moments she'd have that haven't even happened yet. I smiled thinking about some of the stupid fucking things I've done. You know, the kind that didn't feel good in the moment but have made me sincerely laugh and smile in hindsight, gifting me joy I couldn't predict. I pondered if she'd value time put into relationship and growing with others or if she would assign more value to just living independently, wild and free. So many questions for a person whose existence is quite literally determined by me... right now... in this moment! PRESENCE.

The funny thing about presence is that you have to remind yourself to stay in it. As if there is anything that exists beyond this very moment, but yet we often assign more value to the past or the future. WYLD tbh. When I finally checked in with myself again we were 6 songs down the line and I didn't hear any of them. I put the Dabin song back on and try to stay in the present moment this time around, here's my stream of thoughts:

• Endings are inevitable, I'm not the first or last (I find peace in this)

• Life is insanely BEAUTIFUL, damn (I'm full on smiling)

• I don't care what others think about my reality (I'm authentically me)

• My truth, RIGHT NOW, feels good even though I have 0% idea of what is next (How exciting!)

• I'm happy with myself, I make me smile (okayyy hunny, ily bb)

• No one owes me anything, I don't owe others anything, but when we come from an honest place and show up for each other how fucking bomb does that feel in our heart space!? (💓)

• Was loving you hopeless? (wait, that's right... losing hope doesn't make anything hopeless)

• For all the versions of me that have felt haunted by things they weren't ready to lose, I see you and I raise you the happiness of October 20, 2021 Mandee (right where we are supposed to be)

Ugh, there is so much more but these are ones that I vividly remember. This stream of consciousness made me realize that I am where my colleague saw me at. I'm way too hard on myself! I do have good perspective, and I'm finding great balance in the midst of great adversary and struggle. Not everyday has to feel like sunshine for the sunshine to be true. When the non-sunshiney days come, I embrace them for what they are and hold them with the same value that I assign to sunshine. THIS IS BALANCE, THIS IS PRESENCE! I am committed to both.

I have a lot of hopes inside of me and I think they are important and I look forward to exploring them more again soon. But, I have never struggled to hope or dream, in fact I think I live there more than reality. Since I'm trying to find balance, I have been giving my hopes a little less attention in search of other parts of myself who might have something different to say. Stay tuned to see what we find, if anything.

When this is over... I think that I will remember it with the shade of the perspective from that which I am reflecting upon it. I will most certainly be kinder, wiser and capable of more. I will find peace in each presence moment; good, bad or indifferent. I will be ok with unknowns and understand the bravery and courage that exists inside of myself. I think these hard times will make me better, not just older. And, I actually CAN wait to get there.

Be where you are,

Mandeebeth