What You Desire, Desires You

Surrender. The single word I wrote on my Instagram post today. I've been in a cycle of lack if we want to call it that. It's not really lack because I'm an abundant bitch, but it's one of those tarot tower feelings of massive unexpected changes. It literally has me questioning everything I know about myself, has lasted a span of a year, and throw in an existential crisis or two. It's been intense to say the least, I don't even know the girl I was a year ago, hell, I don't even know the girl I was a month ago. The change has been so rapid that I'm struggling to keep up. My mental health has plummeted quite a few times, I've lost two significant romantic partnerships and my external world rarely looks the same week over over. I guess maybe it feels like lack because I've "lost" a lot but to be perfectly honest, I'm grateful. Surrendering my woes, dreams, fears, and expected outcomes to my higher self is starting to feel more normal, like quietly coming back home to myself, no noise.

I'm starting this blog because I see a way out of the fog for the first time in over a year. Because I want to share my journey with other people who need encouragement in this very moment. And because I have a feeling that my life is about to change in bigger ways than I could ever imagine, I'll want to remember that!

I've decided to stop running full force at the things I desire in this life. If the things I desire are also desiring me (meant for me) then I don't have to chase them down. In fact if I just slow down maybe they'd have a chance to catch up to me. So here I am, throwing away 90% of the ideas that I feel make me, me and opening myself up to the uncomfortable opportunities that will show me the real me.

Mandeebeth