Unbreakable

This post is an anthem for those who have been through it. This is especially for those who feel like everything breaks. It is without a doubt for the the dreamers, often overwhelmed by their own capacity, that they think, "there's no way". I know the sound of this anthem because it's been sung before, it's been sung to me. I heard it at 20 years old when I no longer wished to live; It called me back, my soul back with a stern, "there is a purpose". I chased it's melody through my hallways on dark nights throughout my early adulthood, allowing each beat to wash me clean. I've played it's music videos on repeat in my mind's eye; An attempt to jolt life back into my spirit. If this anthem calls to you then chase it, sing it's melodies, and dance to it's rhythm. Be with it and heal with it. Let this anthem bring you hope, and strength as it has for myself and others.

Of course this musical anthem is an analogy for wisdom and wise words. For, "growing up", if you will. A rite of passage that requires all to make peace with before ascending. This is not a real song, though if I could choose one it'd be Unbreakable by TELYKast, Sam Gray. Place these words for yourself:

Hanging on for my life, when you pulled me close Saved me from falling On the edge of the night, when it hurts the most You're sunrise and mornings Lift me out of the dark, put my mind at rest I feel safe in your arms, wrapped around my chest You found gold in my heart, from the ashes and dust Ashes and dust When the world's on fire And the sun burns cold We're building something unbreakable From the highest highs To the lowest lows We're building something unbreakable

What do you feel when you hear these lyrics? What comes up for you?

I think of my community, a visual of us literally lifting each other up off the cliff's ledge when someone has fallen off. I think of every damn time my father and I's relationship has come together and how powerful it is each time we're capable of more than the last. I think of mental warfare, then that fire as fuck moment when you've finally realized that you've overcome your own mind. I imagine a life partner that chooses to stay, again and again, because we both know that each success begets further success.

Imagine if we all felt safe enough inside ourselves, safe enough with each other, to truly build something UNBREAKABLE. God damn, that word. It packs such power, and make me feel capable of anything. I want to run out in the world and say, "Get in, we're building something unbreakable". I want that for myself, and I also want to give that to my friends, my community, my partner and family. It's exciting to think about the future and all the potential that it holds. I'm stoked to get to know future versions of myself too and welcome each with open and loving arms. Before I get there though the universe has made it abundantly clear that it's time to rest! No shock here as I've felt in body for months now that a season of rest was coming. I'm happy to welcome it in!

I'm resting in Ohio, my home state. Being held by those who have loved me the longest. The first couple days back in Ohio are always hard because life is slower here. I know I know, that's kind of the point... to slow down and rest but honestly it's fucking hard. I'm used to the go go go, do do do life in Austin. It always feels like, "What's Next?" or "Isn't there an experience we could be having right now" and I sometimes forget that that isn't normal. It almost always takes a few days to settle into this slower life and usually feels something like this:

Day 1 - I can't believe I'm here, I hate it here

Day 2 - FOMO of everything everyone else is doing everywhere else but here

Day 3 - Depression + Realizations

Day 4 - Rediscovering happiness

Day 5 - Peace in my mind and heart

Day 6 - Only 1 day left? (sad)

Day 7 - Really hard to say goodbye to my people

It's day 4 and according to my calculations I've rested enough that I'm starting to rediscover my happiness through the stillness. This would be true but we have to calculate in a broken heart and the burnout I've been in for 8+ months. I've never felt so held and loved by my people though, ALL my people. Perhaps it's because this is the first time I'm allowing them to take care of me, and love me without feeling the "shame" of needing people. Or maybe I've just finally opened my eyes to it.

I'm most impressed by my mom and dad. We haven't always had the best relationship and a lot of it revolves around our different life views and my queerness, that's a story for another time. I bring it up just to say that when I fell into their arms, crying because a woman broke my heart they didn't even mention it. You're probably thinking, "of course they wouldn't mention it, they still love you despite everything" but that's never really been true and in the past I would have gotten a god fearing lecture. I always envisioned the day I'd get to introduce this woman to my parents (much closer to marriage because I wanted them to get more comfortable with the idea before bringing her into their lives). I always hoped and imagined that they'd be cordial and give her a chance. That they would love her for all that she is. Plot twist, the first time I got to talk about her to my dad was about how I thought she was my life partner and instead she broke my heart. A year ago, I could have never imagined crying to my dad about my gay ass broken heart. More over, I wouldn't have thought that the most comforting words of this whole break up would come from him.

It all started when I was supposed to see my dad in Waco, Texas on the 5th of January. I was pretty sick and hadn't taken a Covid test so I canceled the plans last minute. My mom called me up 1 day later saying, "Dad said you're not feeling good? What's going on?". It's like she knew it was more than just the sickness, moms always do. I told her about my broken heart, cried on the phone as she listened to all my woes. I think my mom was a little sad too to be honest, she had already met my girlfriend and my mom really liked her. After I wiped up my tears there was a moment of silence then my mom simply said, "I'm so sorry you're hurting. I really liked Holly but you deserve someone with integrity who is going to stay especially when they say they will. Come to Ohio, ok?" Mom must have told dad because I received a longggg text from my dad a day after that (if you have the pleasure of knowing my father then you know the long texts well, lol). But this text was different! The tone, the genuine care, the respect and consideration for what would be meaningful for me to hear right now, IM SHOOK! This text gave me the life and energy I needed to get out of bed, get on that plane, to get my ass to Ohio even if I had to cry & drag myself the whole way here. My dad, the middle aged white man who've I've always known as a conservative capitalist was the one to deliver the "be where you are" message to me? This is genuinely unreal! Here is my favorite part of his novel:

Since I've been here I haven't had to plan anything, which is weird, usually I tell people when and where to be if they want to see me. I got myself here and that is as much all I had to give this time around. My people obliged by making plans for me, for us. Friday night IKEA café chats with mom. Saturday arts, crafts, dream journal afternoon follow by chicken wraps and beer at a local dig with Bree and Alex. I helped a man play a song on the juke box and he bought me a beer as a thank you. We had a small conversation and he excessively told me how kind of a human I was. Odd to hear from a complete stranger but I smiled knowing the universe just wanted me to hear it and warming thanked him for saying so. People... it's such the little things these days that do it for me. SIMPLE.

Sunday brunch with mom and dad complete with an offer I never imagined I'd here; "If you need to quit your job, quit Austin and just veg out somewhere where no one is expecting anything from you. If you need a change of scenery, even though we know you hate cold weather, we just want to let you know that you have a place with us". DAFUQ!? Is this a parent swap? What happened to the "My house my rules, church on Sunday and in by 10pm even if you are ____ years old" parents? I must admit that these words brought me so much comfort as I cried on my salad. I don't ever want to have to take them up on this offer BUT it's really nice to know that if it ever came to it, I'd be safe with them and I think I needed to know that more than they needed to say it. Momma followed up brunch with the conservatory because she knows I love plants and Krohn's is kind of our place. She made me take a photo in front of the poinsettia tree like our family used to do, this made me smile.

On Sunday night we did dinner at a family friend's house. My parents are staying at there as they are prepping to make their big move to MI next week. I grew up with this family, their kids and I were childhood friends so naturally they invited me over for dinner. I sat at the table answering questions about how I've been, how I liked Austin and so on, pretending my heart wasn't in complete shambles. Eventually, the attention moved to the babies and I sat there picking at my food, my dad stole pieces of lasagna off my plate to help make it look like I was actually eating (that part was cute). I'm glad all the attention was on the kids at this point because I actually started to cry a little. These were the kids of Hannah, their youngest daughter (about the same age as my little sister). It's not that I want kids right now, I'm nowhere near ready for that and honestly who knows if I will ever be. It's a sensitive topic though considering the reason my girlfriend broke up with me was because she doesn't want kids and I at wanted the option. I sat there trapped in my head thinking about how I would never experience this with her, how she's no longer in my life because of this. A wave of pointlessness swept over me and the room felt dark. These would never be our kids running around the living room after dinner, it hurt more than I expected.

Luckily, Josh, one of their sons closer to my age, came to the table with talk about work and it distracted me enough to pull me out of this state. We bonded over burnout and not knowing what we wanted to "do when we grow up". Our parents stared at us as we laughed about our directionlessness, I'm sure they were less than proud but perhaps they also saw something in us that they haven't seen in a while so they let us carry on. The night ended with my dad driving me home and a 1.5 hour conversation in Bree's driveway about how proud we are of each other and that we're happy for our new found relationship.

Today I tackled work, barely, but it's day by day and I'm proud of myself every day that I choose to do a little more than the day before. I brushed my teeth, put on pj's then looked at myself in the mirror. I told that girl how beautiful she is as I noticed how much I really loved my freckles. Before I turned out the light I spoke these lyrics out loud, "Just put your hand in mine. Lift me out of the dark, put my mind at rest. I feel safe in your arms, wrapped around my chest. You found gold in my heart, from the ashes and dust. We're building something unbreakable". So mote it be.

Mandeebeth