Not Ready To Let You Go

I spent some time in my apartment today. I was there cleaning between short term stays and ended up having some free time so I meditated and gave myself time to think. My home is so grounding! It's always been an excellent place for me to connect deeply with myself. I don't know what makes it so special, perhaps the intentions I set upon moving in a year ago? Or just that it's my first place by myself without a roommate or anything? Regardless, I'm the luckiest to have called Les Lunes Urban Jungle my home this past year.

How weird is it to sink into a new perspective about our personal experiences? When I moved in here I was so unsure about my life. I had recently left the most significant relationship I had ever been in to venture into the unknown, by myself, without any tangible proof that it was the right decision, just my intuition saying there is more for you. This space has held me on it's empty floors while I cried and grieved. I remember a blubbering conversation with my baby sister via FaceTime, first night in my space alone. I was going on about how I might have made a mistake. I was sleeping on an air mattress at the time and just walked away from someone so capable of loving me and providing safety and stability. I cannot describe it any other way than I knew I had to go and, for once, chose myself. I cried, wanting a hug from my stable ex partner but knowing I had no right to ask for it, so I hugged myself, A LOT. This space also held me while I've laughed, made music, danced on the bed, and drank wine with friends.

The thing about this space is that it's held me during some of the happiest days of my life as well as the darkest. It's truly been a transformative year! I have the fondest memories of moving in and taking mirror selfies and videos, my energy was at 110 and I felt more alive than I ever have. My energy is not at 110 these days, in fact it's been a minute since I've experienced that. But, I'm leaning into my reality, which is energy level 50 and she is also worthy of being loved, respected and celebrated. I can tell in my eyes and smile that this girl is just barely showing up these days but god damn I love every inch of her. I've never wanted to hype anything more than I want to hype her.

In addition to setting very clear intentions of what this space would mean to me when I moved in, I created this vision board. I haven't really changed it much since then because I've been more focused on living a life of presence over past/future but I returned to it today. I sat on the floor and grieved the girl who created this board, grieved the parts no longer relevant, the ideas and the heart feelings behind each photo, as well as the people I thought I'd be experiencing them with. Set this in motion to "Long Time" by Wild Rivers, which is what I sat here listening to as I allowed the heart to ache and the tears to flow. This is absolutely the soundtrack to my healing right now! I mean, these lyrics are GOLD:

"And every time I run away You're never far behind. And any time I'm feeling safe, You gotta wrong that right. I gotta get along with life, But you still run my mind. So if you're asking how I've been, I'm gonna have to lie, It's gonna be a long, long time"

This space held me, again, as I grief another powerful transition. This year has permanently changed me and some things on this board I just can't relate to anymore. Regardless, I chose to come home to myself, to who I am right now in this very moment. Though, I feel a little jaded, and extremely exhausted, I honor these parts of myself as if they were the fun, excitement and sheer bliss parts. And in case anyone is wondering, this notion first struck in me in 2015 when I watch Inside Out... I have zero shame that I learned the most valuable lesson of my life from a Pixar animation, ZERO.

Today I am a mess. Today, I am not ok. Today I am racking my braining thinking I may have made a mistake. I'm sad to think about leaving this space in 1 long week. To venture, yet again, out into the unknown... it feels all too familiar. But, the mistakes I thought I was making a year ago remind me that there are no mistakes. The moments in which we feel this way exist because we're doing something incredibly brave. And for this girl right here... I would do every brave thing I've ever done all over again to show her how worthy she is. Sadly, this space is not the only thing I'm not ready to let go of but I think that's ok too. All things in due time. For the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to be where I'm at. There is no pressure to be someone I'm not, to respond in ways I'm not ready to respond in. I am me and that is my superpower, for Christ's sake I'm building a damn Empress over here. I hope you too are able to look around and connect with your narrative in a new light. Don't be afraid to BE BRAVE 💜