Maybe, All I Need Is Time

I spent my last morning with Lucas drinking coffee on the patio. I won't lie, it was bittersweet. Yet again, spending a week with Lucas was healing in a way that didn't really make sense but... I surrender to trying to make sense of just about anything these days.

We were listening to music (because, DUH) and it hit me just a little bit. I don't know why things are like this but I almost always hear a song, connect, or reconnect with a song and it inspires all of these things in me. The music leads to epiphanies, the music leads to writing, the music leads to videos, the music leads to creative expression, the music leads to a deep intimacy with life itself. That being said let's just go ahead and get straight to the song that helped me make sense of my stay with Lucas this time, "Healing" by Fletcher (seriously, put it on in the background as you read through this and experience my life with me, let's go)

Breaking down, don't mean I'm broken Losing hope, don't mean I'm hopeless And maybe all I need is time It never happens overnight I've been feeling Inside out in my feelings Upside down, on the ceiling I'm finally breathing The smoke ain't gone, but it's clearing I ain't there yet, but I'm healing

The day after I got to Lucas's I got really sick, again. I'm so fucking over being sick! I think the worst part is that you're just there, caring for yourself (hoping you're doing it right, lol) while also being caught in your head about anything and everything. My thoughts haven't really been my friend as of late and I've been using the manta "come out of your head" as a coping mechanism to try to align more with my heart space. I guess we could say I've built quite the resistance to being in my head but like everything in life, I needed to find balance. I have a feeling that all the sickness is the universe's way of forcing me to face that which I have not. 5 days in bed with no human interaction ought to do the trick (ha). And in case you were wondering, it went a little something like this:

I've experienced so much hurt this past year, I didn't handle it great in the moment but there were some moments I think I did a good job, how do I continue to handle it when it pops up? I'm having a lot of fun lately and I love my freedom. My freedom is a little scary actually because I'm Mandee and I want to do it all. Am I comfortable with limits? Wow, I've made a lot of new connections. Some of them haven't panned out how I thought they would and some of them are surprising as fuck. I'm still a little bitter about the betrayal of the connections that did me dirty. Is there anything in this season of my life similar to other seasons? Maybe I should draw some comparisons and look for patterns just in case. Damn, I'm strong, courageous and brave... like for real a total badass for how I handle the messy, hard things. Oh god, is it weird that I'm proud of myself like that? I kind of feel a little guilty that I'm ok. Remember last year when your old friends made that comment about how your new connections wouldn't last... yea, that hurt me because I felt like I had finally met some people who got me *notices those people are not here* Wow, how embarrassing! I really didn't want them to be right about this. Also, how deflating because I was so sure of the new connections then, there is no way I thought it'd pan out like this. Will the energy I'm putting into my new connections also end like that? Will they ultimately end the same? I wish my Momma was here, I wonder what her care would feel like? Do we ever really stop missing our mothers love?

Brain: Let's think about every person we've ever dated in grave detail...

Me: Idk, that seems like a worm hole

Brain: Ok, since we all agree let's do it then

*3 days later*

There were some really good memories with each of them. Also, ew I cringed thinking about what I used to think love was. Will I someday look back at 30 year old Mandee (now) and cringe at what she thinks is love is?

As you're starting to see, one thought sort of rolls into another and suddenly I'm in a cesspool of every defining moment of my life. I had to dial myself back many times because I was getting ahead of myself. I repeated, "be where you are", every time I went too far into the past or the future and I think that's going to be the mantra for this next season. I really have to stop trying to be 90 year old Mandee psychoanalyzing each season ahead of it's time. I did arrive at the conclusion that it's ok if I make mistakes or if I am wrong about something I felt so sure about. It's ok if I make decisions that 90 year old Mandee will know better than to make. I'm not her.. I'm 30 year old Mandee. Allowing myself the space to make mistakes took a huge burden off my shoulders, suddenly for the first time in forever I stopped trying to hold myself accountable to anything more than that which is appropriate for a 30 year old.

And though this deeply contemplative shit was the majority of my week, I'd like to mention that I did binge all of Squid Game on Netflix in one day... shooketh!!!

Back to my point... I embraced the lyrics to the song healing, which to me this week was mostly my mind. I hesitate to say this healing will ever end though because it's a life journey. I think the heart of the matter is that I need to get comfortable balancing and integrating the healing work as it comes. I'd like to think that all the messy healing experiences I've had will somehow, someday, lead to a life where I hear the healing bell ring and heed the call in a much more graceful manner... but that's TBD, especially considering that I've chronically been a person who likes to learn her lessons the hard way. Is it weird that I'm lowkey proud of this? (lol) For me, it's all about the lived life experience. Nothing is more relatable than something you've experienced first hand and henny I've damn near experienced a whole ass spectrum of life at the age of 30.

I ended my day at my old dig (also, I have a huge plot twist around this but I'll save that for another post because I'm not quite sure how the plot twist will pan out just yet but it's a big WTF in the coolest way). It was my first day really out of the house and I did what felt peaceful to my body and soul; I walked the boardwalk and listened to music. I disconnect from my phone for a bit to sit with nature. I people watched and meditated on a bench. I drew shapes in the dirt and let the weight of this week just rest. REST. I have a feeling I'm going to need a whole more of it where I'm headed so I think of ways that I can embrace rest in the upcoming week. I start to realize that I'm planning rest, lol what? I return to the word surrender.

I'm thankful for this week because it slowed me down again (remember that I'm trying to let what is for me catch up). I feel in my bones that what I'm trying to rush though right now is going to be something that I look back on and say "wow, I really loved that season." I breathe in, I breathe out. I look down at my phone and see the quote "the two most powerful warriors are patience and time". I put that on my phone in April 2021 and haven't really noticed it since but the timing of it's coming back into my awareness is uncanny, considering all the decisions I feel I "need" to make or the rush rush sensations I've been feeling. I meditate on that quote.

I'm trying to solve a lot right now... maybe, all I need is time.

Mandeebeth