Lessons At Lucas's House
- Oct 13, 2021
- 4 min read
The last time I was at Lucas's house my girlfriend had gotten on a flight without me, again. I vividly remember the depth of the grief I felt in my heart about it as I sat on the patio and watched the trains fly by one after another. I thought, "This was it. My heart can't take anymore so this has to be it". It's not the outcome I had hoped for or even what I wanted deep down, but it was my reality and I was trying to find some way to accept it. I sat there wishing away hours, days even, just wanting to feel anything other than what I was feeling. Thinking maybe I could justify this just one... more... time.
I felt like the worst sitter in the world because Lucas has anxiety and needs extra love and attention and I could barely even take care of myself. As the days went on, Lucas got more sad. He wouldn't eat and I had to contact his mom. She almost had to come home early because we were both so worried about him. Lucas and I made a coping mechanism out of the trains flying by that weekend, looking at each other with tear filled eyes then looking out waiting for the next one to come. It was the only thing we were sure of, that another train would come and we would watch it pass. That was a month ago, but it feels like it was a year ago because that is how much has happened in this short period of time.
I've been living for the song "Falling Asleep at the Wheel" by Holly Humberstone. Which btw, I got to see her live at ACL last weekend and it was... SWOON! I will always remember the feeling in my body standing in the lawn, in a daze, by myself listening to "Please Don't Leave Just Yet". It was fucking surreal! But, I digress. So, falling asleep at the wheel... the lyrics that get me are as follows:
"You never smoked this much before we met, Light up, light up another cigarette. I can tell you're drinking only to forget, Don't know how I got you in such a mess. You never looked this tense before we met. Back up, back when we were so innocent. All this emotion that we're buried in, Tied up, fired up on this adrenaline. How am I supposed to be your ray of light? Not a cloud in sight, what a perfect night. I should be your ray of light, your ray of light But that's not me."
I'm not one to make bad habits from unfortunate situations. I'm not typically overindulgent nor do I smoke, drink or party all that often. So, I think these lyrics hit me hard when in some sense they exposed a harsh reality to me. "I had never smoked this much before", I noticed as I lit my 3rd cigarette in a row. And, "drinking is not a coping mechanism for me" I thought as I went out for a 3rd night. I don't avoid my feelings or emotions typically but in the recent past I was drinking to try to forget them, that's for damn sure. I don't know how I got here, it's almost like I just woke up to a completely different life than I was used to. To be clear, I haven't been drinking everyday or blacking out... none of these things have taken an unhealthy form in me rather I just noticed the increase in my intake and it got me thinking.
Have you ever just wanted to make yourself feel something? ANYTHING! Maybe you act out and do things you wouldn't normally do just to jolt yourself into coming back to life? Yea, that's basically what this song represents and subsequently what I noticed in myself the weeks following my stay with Lucas. But also, no judgement because I rarely play the escapist card, maybe this bender was more than just a little bit justified, and I've been having a lot of fun.
(insert the video I wish I had taken on Holly Humberstone here)
I am happy to say at this point that I'm finding balance. The smoke isn't gone but it's clearing thanks to a lot of introspection, grace and showing up for myself. I think the past two weeks have really served as a wake up call and I've been challenging myself to the idea that, "this reality is your own creation and you are the master of it". My choices MATTER, though I don't think I can "miss" what is for me. If it's for me, it will be. However, I can sit, wasting time, watching that train go by time and time again knowing that I want to, need to, should be on it. This is an empowering analogy but take it with a grain of salt (grace) because sometimes we really do need to let the train to go by a few times while we sort things out. That way when we do get on that train, we're ready for it!
It's been a week of surprises, to say the least!! Back on that rapid change bull shit. I've never been more confused in my life, but I've also never been more at peace about doing absolutely nothing about it. There is no rush to sort out the weight of the changes with my job, I'm just sitting with this heavy season. There is no rush to find a new job, instead I sit and wait letting what is for me, find me. There is no rush to date people or find the love of my life, I'm having fun dating myself. There is no rush, I let peace wash over me knowing I deserve all the good things that are inevitably coming my way but first... I must get comfortable with this in-between.
So, I'm back at Lucas's house and we're both in better spirits this time around. I'm feeling, once again, the tangible energetic affects of those cycles closing, of choosing something different despite what it feels like. Watching these trains today has induced reflection about where I was at mentally, physically and spiritually the last time I sat here watching trains. It's made me realize, even more, the growth that ensued from this past months journey. Lucas and I are lighter, we are dancing during the day, and finding love in our simple moments together and for this great peace, I am grateful!
With love, Mandeebeth + Lucas
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