I'm Feeling At Peace Right Now

Still on my Rufus Du Sol kick so here we go, "I Don't Wanna Leave"

Head in the clouds I'm feeling at peace right now I don't want to come back down I'm checking out I'll never get over you 'Cause this just feels right I won't let the lights go down I don't want to sleep right now Said my goodbyes I'll never get over you I don't wanna, I don't wanna I don't wanna leave right now So stay with me For one more night

I think I'm finally ready to talk about my bender (with limited detail, lol 🤡)

I'm dead serious when I say this is so unlike me. I am such the responsible one, I make the good choices and handle things healthfully. I think about the repercussions of my actions and make decisions that reflect the outcome I want not necessarily what I'm feeling right now. I'm just as shocked as most people in my life to hear the stories (or lack of in some cases). But again, I smother myself in so much grace. Reality is that the good ones, the healthy ones, the strong ones crack sometimes too. As much as I'd like to be, I am not perfect.

The thing about a bender is that is does feel good, it is an escape and borderline feels like a vacation. The difference is you come back from a vacation feeling relaxation and coming back from a bender feels more like the compounded weight of how ever many days you were gone for. So in my case, HEAVY. I didn't think it at the time, my self awareness quite literally at an all time low, but it's a bit of chasing the dragon on a macro level (reflecting on all my "I'm having fun" posts and laughing just a little, henny). I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details of it because I have obligations and responsibilities to protect but maybe someday, in a world where things are different, I'll share the Mandee's Diary version.

Day 1

It started with avoidance, which is only ironic because I'm on Instagram stories ranting "don't avoid your emotions mother fuckers", "be sensi", "blah blah blah". Talk about projection!!! It's true that we see the world through our own reality. It wasn't others that were criticizing my sensitivity, or authenticity. That perception was based on the fact that I thought others saw me the way I was seeing myself and I didn't want to admit that I was seeing myself in that negative light, tbh I'm not sure I knew I saw myself that way just yet.

Day 2 - 9

I'm skull deep in heartbreak, the words "I'll never get over you" cycle on repeat in my mind. Why the fuck can't I get over her? I'm doing everything right! I've fucking had it, I'm fucking over this shit, I don't want to feel what I'm feeling anymore but also I do want to feel something, anything. I'm going out. And by out, I mean for like a week straight. And also by out, I mean wayyyy the fuck out of my comfort zone... lawless, reckless, numbing OUT.

It started simple with a show and some beverages, you know get a good buzz going and just stay in it for a while. "I'll be home by 10, I have to work tomorrow anyway". Cue the 4am throw yourself in bed scene where you hope to god you remembered to set the 7am work alarm. Wake up, do the things (very begrudgingly), make some plans and go back out. Everyday I told myself that tomorrow is the day I will rest. Or, maybe I'd try to return to my spiritual practices. I'd been avoiding these things due to my new angst and resentment towards spirituality because, you know, everyone is bypassing these days and I don't want anything to do with that too. I didn't want to "pretend" to be spiritual or better than I was.

Everything inside of me was screaming but each day when the universe gently met me with the option to make a different choice I looked her straight in the eye, and texted my friends,

"what are we getting into"

Day 10-14

My mind was tired, she wanted sleep and I gave her stimulus. My body was depleted, she wanted health and I gave her substances. My soul was wounded, she wanted healing and I gave her degeneration. I told my intuition to STFU because the last time I followed my intuition it broke my damn heart, or so I perceived. My mind, body and soul were sicker than sick. Literally and figuratively. Drugs and alcohol can only feel good for so long. It's inevitable, the body will need to find stasis eventually and in some cases (mine) you're going to really feel that detox 🤡 That's all I'll say here since I wrote and entry on the outcome of all of this. READ ME, if you want to know more about that detox and healing.

I never understood the supposed peace people found at the bottom of a bottle or when they were high, mostly it gives me anxiety but for the first time in my life I began to understand. When the weight of reality is heavier than that of the substances, of course we'd choose the lesser weight. Now, and only now, have I began to understand substance abuse. It was only in creating and cultivating peace in my internal world that I was able to reduce the weight of reality to the point that it appealed, once again, more than anything else but it's all easier said than done. The timing on the release of this song is impeccable because the as we know by now, music really heals me.

So let's break down those lyrics. I think the obvious interpretation is about me being gone from reality, fucked up and not wanting to check back in or come back down because I knew what waited for me was treacherous. A chronic season of dark night of the soul (also see ego death, also see existential crisis, lol). All I can say is, I HAVE NEVER! I def played out, "I won't let the lights go down", and "I don't want to sleep right now" a lot but I've played out the lighter side of this too.

Secondary interpretation, I'm actually living the hell of, "I'll never get over you". I cannot describe, with words that exist, how painful a twin flame separation is. I'm connected to, and in love with, someone where it has been in our best interest to separate despite the intense connection and seeming knowingness of being soul mates. It can only be described as the the pulling of a Chinese finger trap. It's truly a great analogy because when you try to pull back or quickly escape it, it tightens and you feel the pull... even if only one side (person) is pulling it tightens. The key to escaping the trap is coming together with softness which I correlate to both parties doing the work and meeting each other with a lot of grace and compassion. In our union, this hasn't been the case so I imagine we've both been sitting in this place and perpetuating the pull that keeps us stuck.

I don't know at what point it happened but just as I had slipped into the bender I started sliding back out. And then, I was forced to face myself. If you want to explore the discomfort, try out this exercise: stare at your reflection in the mirror and don't break eye contact for a very long time (seriously, do it). It was hard at first to face that which is my reality but as time went on I found more peace, in and around myself. I made changes that reflected back the life I wanted and deserved as well as having lots of hard conversations, mostly with myself, but also with others. After lots of coming to Jesus moments, I'm feeling at peace right now. I know how sacred this space is so I'm just going to appreciate it and sit in it for as long as this season is supposed to last. If you can protect your peace, do it at all costs!

Mandeebeth