I Found Beauty Today

"I have everything I need", I say to myself. The sunlight is reflecting off a clear, plastic grapefruit container and right into my eyes. At first the light annoyed me, I found myself shifting in my seated position to move the light stream out. After careful consideration though, I am now thinking it's pretty cool that the light wants to find me. I've made a little game out of the rate at which the sadness and despair slip back into my mind after consciously removing it. Like contractions before birth, I tell myself that this too will not last forever and I remind myself that, "I have everything I need".

Today is day 1, she broke up with me yesterday. It seems silly to even count, I'll probably stop after today. Regardless of if it's day 1 or 75, whatever connection exists between us, does so in the past. Since it is day 1, and not 75, it hurts like any day 1 break up would. I tell myself that's ok. I give myself permission to feel the disappointment, the rejection, the utter disbelief of it all. For every moment I notice the despair sneak in, I observe it then look for beauty in the current moment. I find peace in this intentional practice.

I could say this feels the same as the last 3 times, but it does not. Or, that it looks like picking myself up for a 3rd time, but it is not. This is the first moment of the rest of my life; all the unwritten chapters, all the love yet to find me. There are *standing tall on a mountain top screaming from sheer joy* moments out there waiting for me. So, If all I did today was pick up the right book and start reading, then that is enough. If I today I spent the most time that I'll ever spend shuffling back and forth between peace and despair, then that is ok. I found beauty today without her, I found it in a single moment.

*Breathe in, Breathe out*

Since this is my 3rd time breaking up with her, I've had time to reflect on this relationship A LOT. I notice that I've spent a lot of time in our connection focused on where she was at and earnestly trying to respond to that. Biggest lesson I've learned, hands down, is to stop fucking with people who don't know what they want. I've heard it as a red flag, I've seen it as a red flag and now I've felt for myself... that very red flag. As a very direct reminder to myself, "Mandee, trust your body more than your mind when she tells you there are things you should take into consideration before proceeding. If you don't know what it is, then stay curious about why it feels off and respond to the stimuli".

On the outside, you probably see the struggles with my career, finding a stable place to call home, and being in-between a thousand cities but you probably haven't seen us struggling. I mean I really haven't talked about it because I've wanted to avoid the judgement and stigma of being an on again, off again couple. Most of the problems I've shared with the external world are things that got stagnant as I put them on hold. I poured my hours, energy and heart into the loml and our space trying to cultivate and repair damage. In the silent reflection of this past year I've noticed our patterns while we attempted to create a life together. I've also actively tried harder than I ever have to change those patterns into a new story, one of second chances and repair. It's no shocker that it takes two people in their full awareness and "want to" to shift the paradigm, we just didn't have that. I've checked in with myself so many times about my boundaries; how much I'm willing to give/change/open myself for this person? This has teetered right on the line of "too much" and often times completely crossed over that line altogether. Maybe if the same energy was given to me in return it wouldn't be a big deal but that's sadly not the case. I've felt in my physical body the extremities of finding balance in this and y'all... (insert clown emoji)... it's so hard. I've adapted my dreams to include hers and the things that she expressed interest in, though this part always felt good to me. And the big one... I've kept my heart open as her actions repeatedly ripped open my wounds, perhaps there is a lesson here for me around not abandoning myself or it's just an opportunity to give myself more respect.

I've wondered if it would have been an easier journey if she knew what she wanted, if she could just clearly communicate it so we could truly roll things together and move along with our dreams. But, does it matter? Even if she was capable of that early on, would it matter? Would it have changed the outcome in the end? I'll never know, it's not for me to know and I've long since stopped trying to understand. I don't have regrets for leading with my heart, leading with my love or choosing her each time she expressed she was ready once more. I am walking away a profoundly more complex human. In fact the complexities of me are overwhelming at times... I'm looking forward to unpacking those parts soon.

So here it stands, the last picture we took together. Me, sick on the beach in south padre. You, well actually idk your story. It's not ironic at all that the beach of south padre was the first place we ever went together and also our final destination together.

Because this is me, and because our love was confusing as fuck, here is a song to send us off:

"You used to drown in my crazy,

Just by the touch of your hand.

We used to stay up forever,

Just to make every moment last.

So tell me how we got bitter.

Maybe we've been chasing a feeling. Maybe it can be like before. Would you tell me if it's over, 'Cause our bed is getting cold, And I wonder if I'm better alone.

How do you know you know? How can you seem so sure?"

Rest in the highest degree of peace Holls & Mandeebeth 💛💫⚡

Mandeebeth