Full Moon Bath + Self Compassion

Last night, September 20, 2021 was a Pisces full moon. Most full moons are pretty damn powerful for a empathic Cancer such as myself but I've felt for over a month now that this one would be significant in a BIG way. I can't say why I've felt that way or that it felt different in the moment, but I know something happened last night that changes the trajectory of my life.

Let's start with the fact that I arrived back "home" to Mandala Hills at 7pm. Just in time to spend time with the "family" before my moon bath in the yurt. They had dinner waiting for me, Valerie made the best green goddess salad and macaroons for dessert. How fucking cute is that? I walk in the door and they say "our eldest daughter is back, where have you been we haven't heard from you in days". Of course they are kidding, because they were just genuinely happy to have me there and shower me with love in this really hard time. When I say I felt seen and cared for, it's not a façade. I actually have a home here at Mandala and that's the first part of the night that changed me. I'm talking hugs, attention, conversation, holding space. Valerie and Cass's own kids seem to love having me around and it just feels like the safest family space I've ever experienced. Whatever word is stronger than gratitude is what I want to use for this encounter.

After dinner we talked about everything; how our days went, my current breakup, the ideas I have for the next season of my life, the band Tool, Cass's ideas for their lit ass Halloween party (this included a real casket he has chilling in the living room), how the covid vaccine is tearing communities a part, and our new friend Julia (she's amazing, and I'm sure I'll have more to share on her and the work she is doing later). It was truly a gift to enter the energy of the full moon surrounded by community that feels good to be around.

"If they feel like home, I spend more time with that type"

I walked back to the yurt around 9pm in the perfect September air. I fucking love September, especially in Texas! Every year fall breaks me down and builds me back up into this beautiful masterpiece I never even thought to become, I've learned to flow with it better than I used to and so these days when I feel the crispy fall air, I'm filled up, excited, and ready for change.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/86a2cd_cc41e65f03d343f0932c825a758ec9ed/1080p/mp4/file.mp4

Back at the yurt, I unpack for the week making the space feel a little more like mine. I put the Dumortierite stone Cass gifted me on the nightstand, I'm using this to manifest clarity in the biggest unknown season ever. I nestle my soccer blanket into the bed, and put on my 2021 AF Spotify Playlist. Guys, I've made a playlist every year, starting in 2016, and it's the coolest experience. Sometimes when I want to growth check myself, I'll go back to an old playlist and play the songs in order... it's like I'm reliving that year in moments and it's also an incredible reminder of all the bad ass decisions I've made that lead me here, 2021. So feel free to check it out and musically experience the emotional rollercoaster of a year I've had (lol). Oh, and here is a picture of what the Healing Heart Yurt and Sacred Deck look like, cannot recommend enough experiencing a stay here, especially if you need to reconnect and nourish yourself.

Moving on to the part where I do full moon shit. I had no real intentions other than to sit with whatever came up for me. I released that which no longer served me and called in things that are in alignment, things that I would never think to ask for. I sat right on the edge of that rug facing the door to the yurt, the moon shone bright as can be through the front door and there was a crispy breeze, I breath deep and let go. I have the Spirit Card Oracle Deck designed by John Arthur Moseley, I feel very connected to it. Naturally, I pulled a card for the upcoming season. Deer Spirit, wouldn't you know it! A card representing sensitivity and gentleness for the sweet Cancerian girl. It was in that moment, I reclaimed myself. Trusting fully that my deep, kind, loving, vulnerability is my superpower. Here is the meaning of the card from the deck guide:

"Deer spirit is a gentle reminder for you to recognize the great power of sensitivity and gentleness within you. Acknowledge and honor this power and let it guide you in your thoughts, words and actions. This is a strength to draw upon even in the most challenging times, allowing you to transition through them with no harm to yourself or others. Deer Spirit aligns you with the Heart that connect all beings and there isn't a more potent and powerful force in the world."

Normally, I'd say put your phone away if you want to disconnect and just be but I'm glad I didn't in this instance because what came next lit my soul on fire.

I met a girl named Sara at the bar this past weekend and she changed my full moon for the best. What's crazy about the series of events leading up to meeting her is that it all started with the fact that I didn't even want to go out. My friend Rich was back in town, also going through some rough shit and it was our friendiversary (we met each other exactly 1 year ago that day). He wanted to get a drink at our old dig, Peche. It was a 20 minute walk from where I was staying in downtown Austin so the only motivating factor was that I would get a 20 minute walk to myself to listen to music and vibe. I told him ok, pulled myself together and got there within the hour. He starts talking about his situation and instantly I felt like going out was a mistake, I barely have the capacity for myself right now. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I'm doing all the things to prevent breaking down at this bougie bar but... it happened. I balled my eyes out. I imagine the bartender loved the internal dialogue that I was vomiting all over his counter, I could see him lingering close out of the corner of my eye. I didn't feel judged though, I felt seen! By rich, this random ass stranger and myself. What a powerful release. We shared a pecan pie for desert.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/86a2cd_4828256056354ca1831d9657e36dc27c/720p/mp4/file.mp4

Now, the synchronistic thing is that Peche is literally right next door to Cedar Street Courtyard, which I've been frequenting. My friend Brandon was working bar that night and happened to text me saying, "Come to Cedar Street". I laughed and responded "I'm right next door celebrating with my friend Rich, we'll stop by after". I sincerely thought we'd stop in have a drink then dip but not at all, I was up till 3am... On a Sunday... because Brandon introduced me to Sara and Chris. I spent 3 hours talking, mostly to Chris, about traveling the world. They are both travel nurses and are doing the damn thing. Chris has lists miles long of insights about traveling and I'm swooning over his every word. Part of the way through Sara interjects changing the topic to some inner child work she's doing because she' really going through it with a break up. I'm shocked! Mirrors, on mirrors, on mirrors. I connected with both of them and exchange numbers. We didn't text that night or even the next day.

Back to the moon bath. There was a moment of stillness after my reading where I started to feel the loneliness. The missing her was back and along with it, me wondering why I wasn't enough? Why didn't she choose me? And why does she never stay? I'll admit I cried and tried really hard to hold myself but found no reprieve. My phone buzzed next to me pulling me back into reality, it's Sara and she sent me this song. I wouldn't usually stop what I'm doing to listen to a song but something told me I needed to listen to it right now, so I did. IM BALLING MY EYES OUT! "you're enough, you're enough, you are enough. Let our shadows fall away like dust." I knew the universe was honoring me by sending a stranger who doesn't even know me to deliver this message. Had it been someone that knows what I'm going through or my struggles of enough-ness it may not have had such a massive impact, my brain would have picked that apart! But Sara, beautiful Sara reminded me to find power in myself, to hold my hurt until I heal it, to speak kindly to the parts of myself that are tender. It's not the first time I've held little Mandee as she hurt but it is the first time I felt lit up by this action during praxis, especially since it's a deep and highly emotional subject.

I AM ENOUGH! I've wanted to hear those words from her, and to see her show up in our damn relationship but I no longer need that. It still hurts, but two seemingly opposite things can be true.. I miss her but I'm better alone. I love her but she's not my partner. I'm taking this into my next chapter with me. I've been recalling all the love I've scattered in others back, because I have the power to do that. Sweet little Mandeebeth, you're more than worthy of my love. You're more than enough for me, in fact you're everything to me.

Mandeebeth