Feel To Heal
- Jan 20, 2022
- 5 min read
Healing isn't linear so we've all been told. I can accept that there isn't a tried and true process that will guarantee a smooth journey home to self. Through this entry, I'd like to slap some energy on the fact that healing is really such a beautiful process. It might not feel this way on the nights where emotions feel uncontrollable or during the days when the grief steals the literal sunshine out of the sky but it's true. I've been sitting very closely with healing on a consistent basis for over a year an a half now. At first, it started as healing the relationship, healing the pain, healing the grief, healing the trauma... you know, a very targeted approach. Now, it feels a whole lot more like being a person who is healing, a self healer, who acknowledges that healing is a part of what we are all here to do (for ourselves and others). I've come to understand that we will never stop healing and healing will also take many forms. Sometimes it will be a targeted and intense approach and other times, maybe just a soft exploratory kind of curiosity that says, "I'm listening, what would you like to tell me".
Lately, I've found a home in healing; Security and safety and some kind of self-care in it. There is a kind of power in healing yourself, in coming back to the knowing that you were born with everything you need for this life's journey, no matter how difficult or unprecedented.
I "barely got through" the first few weeks of 2022, all my people told me this is normal and honestly I just sort of relaxed into that notion. For once, I'm not going to think too hard about it I said... just be. I didn't move much, I didn't talk much, I couldn't focus on anything other than staying alive. I often whispered to myself "just get through this minute, this one task, this one day" and then eventually... something happened. I woke up and saw myself, I mean really SAW myself, for the first time in over a year. I didn't even recognize her!!! And then, I got excited... I got curious... Who is she? Does she still like caramel flavor in her coffee? What's her favorite song? Is she creative? What does she do for fun? I wonder what she thinks about the most often. What makes her feel most alive? It was like meeting a new person, truly. I allowed myself to make no assumptions about what she wanted or felt. I didn't assume that any old patterns were applicable or that she was into the same things she used to be into. Instead I asked her and allowed her to respond.
Me: Who are you?
Beth: A writer. I write to transmute, I write to release, I write to relate, I write to feel.
Me: That's fascinating, What do you like to write about?
Beth: Emotions, feelings, experiences. Especially the deep ones, or ones that most are afraid of.
Me: Are you afraid of these deep emotions sometimes too though?
Beth: Absolutely, I'm no exception to humankind. Hurt hurts, grief is heavy, etc.
Me: How do you handle or sit with things that you perceive most are afraid of?
Beth: I just do it. I don't ask why or try to make meaning... I mean sometimes I try to make meaning but when I catch myself in that web I pull myself out and ground back into what the emotions are helping me see, release, allow, accept.
Me: And when you "feel", do you perceive that you "heal"?
Beth: Sometimes. Feeling is but a ripple in the holistic process of healing but it is an initiator, guiding me to the parts of myself that need love, to be acceptance or to be held or explored.
Me: What does it feel like when you hold yourself?
Beth: Like I'm ok. Like finding stillness and peace. Like a gentle breeze, the sound of wind chimes calling me into the present moment. The warmth of a mothers hug or sunshine on my skin.
Me: That sounds fantastical! It doesn't feel like that for me, it feels like something is missing when I have to hold myself. Like someone or something broke my spirit and I have to glue the pieces back together. Has it ever felt that way for you?
Beth: Of course! I too hold myself to heal, for comfort or for safety. I've held myself and it hasn't felt like sunshine, when I was just flat out desperate, when I didn't know where else to go but inside. I think you're exactly where you need to be. I think that running to yourself out of desperation is a beautiful re-introduction to who she's calling you to be. She knows things that others can only situationally advise. It doesn't matter how you get to her, just that you get there.
Me: Kind of like this then?
Beth: Exactly like this, Mandee.
Me: I love you. Thank you for your presence today, for your vulnerability and encouragement.
Beth: I love too, more than you'll ever be able to comprehend.
Me: So... If you're a writer... does that mean I'm a writer?
Beth: Try it out! Next time we meet you can let me know how it feels.
Now this might sound like an insane conversation to have with yourself but the truth of the matter is we should all be as curious about different versions of ourselves in the same way we are about meeting the next potential love of our life. Get deep with yourself henny, forreal, I PROMISE you will not regret it. It's been super fun waking up to myself each day wondering what we will do with the day. Will we work at a coffee shop or will we work from home? I like asking her if she wants caramel in her coffee. Can I do your hair and makeup? Are you feeling cozy clothes or baddie clothes? I took her shopping the other day and marveled at her, there was so much light in her eyes as she tried on new lewks.
Anyways, point being... don't forget that there is a whole human inside of your body waiting to be explored. If intimacy and validation from others feels good, just wait until you feel what it is like to receive that shit from yourself. Also, fake it till you god damn make it. As Beth (the name I'm giving to this era of myself) said, she didn't and doesn't always feel like coming home to herself is sunshine. My theory is that if it did we'd likely all be doing it. Break the old patterns, release the chains that bind you through imperfect coming home to self.
Also, in case anyone wanted to know, I am a writer.
With deep love, Mandeebeth
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