Can I Talk To You About Spiritual Bypassing?

Come, sit down with me on this lovely patio. We're having coffee and there is a crispy fall breeze in the air. The sun is shining and we feel at peace, all is as it should be... take a deep breath. Be this light, dancing; wild, free, just doing our thing. How did we even get here anyways?

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I start the conversation, "I finally found the word for the energy I've been trying to describe in my interaction with others lately. I've talked about it on my personal healing journey rants and posts lately but didn't know there was a word for it, it's called spiritual bypass." You're curious, I can't tell if you've heard of it, though in my recent inquiries of those surrounding me, I've found many have not. I say, "It's alarming that there isn't more awareness around this topic considering how many of us claim spirituality and even take on the role of guide, leading others into it." You nod and say "Tell me what you've found".

It's defined as, a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual practice. It prevents people from acknowledging what they are feeling and distances them from both their truth and others. Some examples include; avoiding feelings, believing that traumatic events must serve as a "learning experience" or there is a silver lining behind every negative experience, believing that spiritual practice such as meditation is always positive, idealism, overly optimistic, feelings of detachment, focusing only on spirituality, pretending things are fine when they are not, thinking you must rise above emotions, denial/repression. And I say, "So basically, all my rantings about toxic positivity and the invalidating feeling of not owning our own shadows or acting like those who are navigating theirs, are 'heavy'", (lol).

I think you sense that, to some degree, I'm coming off finger pointy so I shift the vibe. "I want to start breaking this whole thing down by saying I am very involved in my own spirituality as well as the spiritual community around me. In fact, for me, it's critical to my growth, expansion, as well as my purpose." You know this, it's the same for you. "However, I cringe when I think of the ways humans use spirituality as a crutch to defend toxic behaviors or to minimize others experiences." You seem re-engaged in the topic and I'm thinking this is a great opportunity to be vulnerable, and share my own short comings so I say, "I don't like how incredibly subtle it can be... from others it's made me feel gaslit. It's fucky. For you the same?" I wasn't actually expecting an answer but I don't want to make this all about me. You shrug, "Maybe yeah". I start up again, "I guess, the traumatic childhood experiences I had, as well as the young age that I was forced to face that reality has put me in a unique position." I say this knowing that you can relate because I know you've been there too. "My story itself isn't unique and I'm not special. In fact, during this season of reflection, I've been forced to face the ways in which I have fraternized with spiritual bypassing and how that's affected myself and others around me." At this point, I really want you to know that I take accountability." The very little ego I do have around this topic is making this conversation a little uncomfortable but I know how liberating telling my truth is so I take a deep breath and continue. "If anything this awakening has perpetuated my NO JUDGEMENT ideologies. Truly, we only know what we know but when we do know better we must take accountability and then do better (it's so uncomfortable, I know)."

"Last year, when I left you, I had this inflated idea about how our spiritual practices were different (they were in reality, but it's my ego I'm trying to focus on for this story). I remember saying "your energy is heavy" and using this as an excuse to disengage. I bet you felt really abandoned in those depths of awakening!!"

But seriously... what in the fuck, I was such a fucking twat. The truth of the matter is that their energy was heavy, how could it not be considering what they were going through. I challenged them to face new heights in their spiritual walk and also in relationship with me and they rose to that occasion. Maybe I wasn't expecting them to actually rise to the challenge and when the time came to put up or shut up... I literally had to shut the fuck up, so I bailed.

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I lead back in with, "I now know that the heaviness you were experiencing is a perfectly natural season of life, in and out of relationship and that we will all experience it many more time throughout our lives. I'm sure I came off as toxically positive towards you and your journey at the time. I'm here now so say that I honor you in your willingness to feel that deeply and communicate it to me! In fact, these days I find it quite admirable. You're a fucking warrior! I acknowledge that you needed help from your partner to shoulder that burden and I called you codependent for it, that was shitty. As if you, someone who doesn't need help from anyone ever, asking for some help and being met with resistance is helpful." Spoiler alert, it's not. It's immature. "You'd never know it but I learned a lot watching you handle the situation I put us in. All considering, you handled it with much grace." You're quiet about it but I know you to be this way when you're really taking in information and my directness must be startling after all this time. We sit in silence for a second and I imagine you're waiting for that apology and I give it to you.

Back story. At the time, my immature ass thought I had done the damn thing. Like, somehow I already healed (past tense, lol) and now I'm going to help others heal. (loFUCKINGl) Me, a person claiming to have their back, a person calling herself a safe place for them to be held, also the person wanting to slip out the side door until their "done" and blame them for the weight of the experience. THEE IGNORANCE. Two things are true; I am healer, I have healed others and I will continue to do this work for the remainder of the time I am called to BUT I've also been a tornado about it. I've hurt, wrecked, and done equal parts damage to that of which I've done good. Frankly, it's gonna be nahhhh for me moving forward with this energy though. I can't assume I'll never hurt others again, that's unrealistic, but I want to bring poise, grace and peace to every soul I'm called to do healing work with. The paradigm shifts NOW.

After some time in silence you say, "I appreciate your openness. This must be really hard to talk about considering everything you're going through but I'm proud of you for seeing the ways in which you've contributed to this so called spiritual bypassing and being brave enough to speak the truth about it". It's a very calm, collected response, the kind that tells me you've found peace, and for that I close my eyes, take a breath and exhale the trace amounts of shame and guilt that have been stuck.

You say, "I experienced a range of emotions during that grieving process. I had days when I thought I'd never be the same again, love the same again, or even be happy again. I believed them at the time and I wish I hadn't because I wasted a lot of time but I guess that is part of it. Do you know that when you deepen your ability to feels things on one end of the spectrum (for example darker emotions) you're simultaneously deepening your ability to feel more on the opposite end? I didn't know it at the time but experiencing the depths of that darkness alone without you made me equip to love deeper (myself and others). So, if you're believing right now that you'll never be the same again just know you won't but in the best way possible. Soon, you'll be looking at a Mandee capable of deeper things. You'll still be you, you'll still offer the word similar things but you're going to do it in a way you've never done it before." I'm fucking shook. I'm looking around, trying to make eye contact with anything that is going to keep these eyes from shedding tears. Despite everything I'm feeling and want to say, I know the perfect closure is a simple smile and "Thank you". So mote it be.

I acknowledge the hearts I've shattered in the name of avoidance of my own shit. I take responsibility for those I've tried to lead while being blind myself. Though I cannot change these things the best I can do is move forward with the awareness that, "now I know better so I will do better". I no longer wish to perpetuate this cycle and cause suffering from ignorance (for myself or anyone). I manifest complete clarity and an ego death a day (bitches, I wanna stay humble) and so with these next words I rise, a phoenix from her own ashes, into a new chapter:

This is life behind these eyes. SO much love. SO much grace. I have learned to love every version of myself I have already been and oh! the versions of me I have yet to discover. I'll probably always experience a tinge of hurt when others mistake my depth for weakness. I mean, of course I will because little Mandee didn't know that depth is her superpower. I started to understand this aspect of myself when surrendering to my own journey, a lesson I learned from The Alchemist. If you haven't read this put it on your list... LIFE CHANGING!

Today, 10/10/21 I am closing a massive cycle in my life and the energy has rose to meet the occasion Like, I seriously feel it in the air... the tangibility of this energy shift. Of karma coming to make right all that has been wronged. My ships are coming in, there is a new tale to tell and along with that requires an introduction to a new human. My old shit is played out, the story has been told and retold, it's time to graduate. As I cross over this stage of life I hear "Stronger" by NOVUM, LO playing... it's perfect. Hold on, I need to go grab little Mandee before we wrap this up, she's gonna need to hear this last bit.

We are no longer becoming an empress. Hunnyyyy...

WE ARE A DAMN EMPRESS!

With depth & love,

Mandeebeth & Lil Mandee