Building to the Jump

I'm at the precipice of a journey that has taken years to arrive at (literally years 🤡). The motivating factor of continuing to navigate this journey is the vision I have held onto. It can almost exclusively be summed up by what it will feel like to descend, or jump, once I reach the peak. I've known I would one day climb this cliff, in fact, I've waited so long to even begin ascending it that I want to get to the peak already. I want to stand tall, maybe a little winded, proud of myself for the courage, the bravery, the resilience... also, ew I hate the word resilience right now. And this IS ME we are talking about so in true dramatic fashion the vision in my head sounds something like the 16 second mark here and looks something like this...

UGH! I get a rush just looking at this photo and listening to this song. It's so real to me. I feel into this vision a lot and it motivates me to keep working through this uphill climb. Through the endless days, dead after work and choosing to walk another dog. Through paying off debt and saving money. Through the FOMO of new digs opening around town and choosing to eat at home. There are days I'm bitter by the people around me embodying their purpose, that have the schedule I desire or the endless optimism I correlate to alignment. When I experience these days I mutter, "Thank you universe for showing me what is possible". I have to really force myself to believe that the universe is actually showing me what is possible, I think someday I will believe it without doubt.

I am burnt out, and it is BAD! This isn't an I'm burnt out and need a few mental health days, or a week vacation is the medicine. No, this is complete and utter BURNOUT, like I don't even know how I'm going to come back from this. Like worse than my leave of absence from work this past summer. Like worse than the depression from all of the factors I could not control. I do, however, believe the human body/mind are powerful and someday I'll find the way to myself and my purpose and this will all make sense. Until then, I sit on the edge of the water, with that vision in mind, and meditate on my future & higher self.

I keep replaying Vienna by Billy Joel. These days I observe how it sounds, and feels... noting that it definitely feels different from the last time I binged it in college. I remember feeling an immense amount of pride for my ability to take on a lot. "I've got places to go and big dreams", I would tell the adults that questioned my ability to rest/relax, that feared the alleged burnout for me (lol). And again, because this is me, I could never take advice from someone else... I'd just have to keep going and figure out the hard way if that was true. At the time it seemed like something to be proud of, but 30 year old me has a different opinion. I digress, here are the lyrics I relate to anyways...

Slow down, you crazy child! You're so ambitious for a juvenile. If you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid? Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out. You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day. But you know that when the truth is told, you can get what you want, or you can just get old. You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through."

Let's skip back to the water's edge because I have important things to share from this space. There is this park in town called Festival Beach. The park is significant because I started this journey there almost 2 years ago. Whenever I want to reconnect with myself in nature, this is my go to, not because it's the most beautiful waterfront in town but because this is where 28 year old me sat when she was in a situation very similar to mine. Sometimes I even drive by just to smile at myself, sitting there journaling... tarot cards in hand. God damnit she'd be so fucking proud of me right now, if she knew then what I know. She used to wonder how she'd navigate this city alone, or if a day would ever come that the crippling debt would stop limiting her. She was a real thing of beauty (hot mess to the rest of the world probably). I have a message for her now:

28 year-old Andee, You courageous mother fucking soul. I honor the tears you shed under this tree. I honor your bravery for choosing the path completely unknown. I honor your ability to trust yourself... god damn, you really trusted yourself! I reflect on the confusion you felt, the emotions you sat with even when others couldn't validate them. Grateful isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about you. You freed us, you liberated us with a single decision that at the time was the scariest decision you've ever had to make. I remember the fear and that you almost didn't that choice. You didn't know the answers anymore than I do for 32 year old Mandee, you couldn't even feel if things would work out ok but you chose and trusted anyways.

Fuck, I wish I could trust future Mandee the way you trusted me; your courage makes me want to try a little more than I did yesterday. Thank you for the time, for the laboring, for the dedication to self. Thank you for being selfish with your time then so I can extend a little extra now to reach our goals. I heard that song that propelled you the other day. I remember that it was on repeat for you back then (shocker, lol). I don't think you were singing this to yourself, in fact I think you were singing it out into the world looking for someone or something to hold you close in the middle of your crisis. In this moment though, I listen and sing it to you. I look to you for strength and guidance. You inspire me. Sometimes I am scared but you're showing me everyday where the light is, for ALWAYS.

With Unconditional Love & Trust, Mandeebeth

I'm happy to announce that I have reached the top of the beautiful cliff, the ascent is over. In fact I reached it quite some time ago. I've been standing at the top just looking at the view, wishing I was a part of it but knowing that if I just jump I could be! The depths of me are aching for a shift, to move from the stuck-ness, from the freeze, to jump off the damn ledge. Somedays I want to call on others to guide me and give me answers, or maybe push me so I don't have to choose. Somedays I need that love and support but, ultimately, I have to make this decision for myself... to continue the legacy of 28 year old Andee and all the brave, courageous versions before her. I don't know what I am doing but I trust myself because Andee trusted me. I believe I can feel the fear and do it anyways, as Andee did. I can jump with eyes wide open into the life I've always dreamed of... I give you permission, Mandeebeth.

I have made up my mind. Future Mandee, I trust you. I release this, that is causing great suffering.

It was necessary then and now it is not.

I cannot wait to meet you. I will see you when I arrive.

With Love & Great Trust,

Mandeebeth