Homecoming

What's the most wyld realization you've had this week? I'll go first.

I transitioned back to writing in a physical journal vs. my online journals tonight. I don't know why, I guess I thought it'd be cathartic? I quickly jot my thoughts down then start flipping back through this damn thing. The first thing I notice is that this journal is almost full and I'll need to buy another one. This is my pink butterfly journal. Rich got it for me when I moved into my apartment in 2020, MY apartment. This would be a good time to circle back around to that really cool thing that happened to me in fall of 2021, my "I'm not ready to let you go" post. I said I'd share later and I think the time is now.

This gal from Hawaii visited Austin last summer and sublet my place for a month while I was in Ohio. She eventually decided to move here and was looking for a space to call her own, so she asked about the apartment. I wanted to travel the world with my girlfriend when my lease ended and wasn't planning on resigning. The timing was perfect for her. We worked everything out... the paperwork and all, she was set to take over my lease on October 11th, 2021. The wild thing is that after this decision was made, my girlfriend and I broke up. It was super sudden. I had no where to go because the plan was to move into her place until December when her lease ended, then hit the road to travel. I didn't panic and I still don't really know why, perhaps I should have (we do know that instead I partied hard at ACL, lol). Well, flash forward... 3 days prior to my move out, & her signing, she asked about us both signing the lease together. It would be cheaper for her to get my pricing from having been there for a year vs. the month to month rates. We discussed in lots of detail and agreed that if/when she was ready to leave that if I landed somewhere else and couldn't take back over the lease financially we would sublet it together. I felt comfortable and we signed together. Also, this ironically kept my name tied to the most home place I've ever lived.

I've been a nomad for the past 3 months, honestly since May of 2021. I'd love to reflect on the journey in this space someday. My ex girlfriend and I got back together during this 3 month time span. I kind of started calling her space my home base when I didn't have dogs to sit or houses to watch. Mostly I've been dog sitting, house sitting, Airbnb-ing and just generally grinding hard during this time! It all went by SO fast. I decided in December not to book any gigs for January though, I planned on taking a deserved break. Anyways, the gal in the apartment gave me her notice in December saying that January would be her last month and asked what we wanted to do with the space. I decided to take it back (the girlfriend's place is nice but I'd been craving a space to call my own again). January 3, 2022… my girlfriend and I broke up and I have no where to go because I didn't book any gigs for January. The life lessons are getting frustratingly old at this point. I work fast, do my normal shit - friends houses, the yurt, trip to Ohio, try to book what dog sitting gigs I can last minute and somehow I got the whole month covered just like that (somehow = universe + protection + divine timing). What's better than getting places to live for January is that starting February 2022 I now get to GO HOME.

In just 18 days, I will feel the peace of something stable and familiar. I will cook in my kitchen and listen to music with the door open. I will lay in my California kind sized bed and meditate. I will dance around my apartment and take selfies in my mirror. I will take baths again! I will write to my hearts content - poems, letters, blogs and journal entries. I will make music. I will set up a work space that will help me focus and be productive in both my freelance, as well as my day job. I will have chores to do and a space to clean. I will leave my car parked in one location for weeks at a time. I will walk the boardwalk and have slow mornings with coffee on the docks. I cannot wait to sleep in MY bed. I cannot wait to ground and start living MY life.

It's been a damn year of lessons for me. But when I look back on journal entry 4/1/21 @ 9:45am I can see why. I write, "You build enlightenment - you get burned and sprout from that (this feels like the same process of a dark night of the soul). This dark night feels so alone until you realize you were never alone. The universe is saying 'I didn't leave you, I'm still with you but nobody can help you right now. You have to do this, you have to go through this', 'Prove it, if you're gonna talk the talk then walk the walk'. You're giving life to your new self, trust the process." And in this the irony comes full circle. There have been more days of doubt, confusion, grief, and purposeless than there have been good in 2021. To be honest it's mostly been a year of survival. I've lost just about everything I could stand to lose BUT I'm reminded from the same journal entry that "Energy transfers. If you want to rebuild the framework then you have to die, just die". And by die I meant die to self. Die to the tightly held belief systems keeping me oppressed. Die to that which I cling so tightly.

Lara (my therapist) has taught me so many things but this can all be summed up with one of my favorite things she's taught me. She told me to let everything go, EVERYTHING! Don't try to maintain, fix, help, cling, protect, etc. Just let it all go and see what stays. Not a lot of things have stuck this year (hence the great losses and seasons of grief) but you know what? GOOD! The grief feels heavy but I know that's temporary as I'm releasing. My soul feels light and that's a much bigger deal. My job (for whatever fucking reason) has stuck despite trying to drop it many times, my home has stuck despite concerted efforts to move on. If these are the only things still in my life then I will cozy up with them and be grateful because at least I know confidently that which is for me. Coming home to my apartment at this time will be my greatest Homecoming yet!

With great love, Mandeebeth