Lose My Way

Let me tell you something. Today fucking sucked! I just found out the AC in my house is broken, and it's going to cost $3,000 to repair. The $400 coolant refill today didn't do jack shit, and it's 94 in Austin, Texas. While I was in India, a tree fell on my car and smashed the hood. I haven't even thought about getting a quote to fix it because... with what money? I'm going through a breakup, one that I haven't talked about publicly yet, and because we live together, it is a slow and challenging process. Today was one of the more challenging days. I'm trying to feel my emotions more, but they feel primal; they scare me. I also had a work meeting today with my boss and team, in which we discussed the ways we will need to "be drivers of the business and constantly looking for ways to innovate as a baseline for roles and responsibilities in our job titles". I just, no. Just, no. I don't want to spend my creative energy earning dollars for an $800 billion corporation. I don't want to be forced to use AI to make jobs easier while Mother Earth erodes. I think I'm finally hitting my moment. I'm making my 6-month exit strategy. It's scary as hell! I need to sell this house, or rent it out, whichever makes the most sense, but starting that process is equal to the gamble of quitting my job. I have this gut feeling that both things are the right choice, and yet I stand here with my feet on the ground, unmoved in any direction. Is the universe asking me to be patient or get my ass moving? I'm unsure.

I sat in my car for 45 minutes after work, trying to decide whether to go home or find something to do to avoid walking through the front door. I mean... I wanted to "go home." I don't feel like I've had one of those for a while, and if you know anything about a Cancerian, it's the importance of their home, the space that grounds them. I'm in desperate need of a place like this. It's not a shock that I want to get lost from my life. This job that sparks no joy, the house that has been nothing but a financial burden, the relationship that, though loving, keeps me stuck in an endless loop. So many times I've wondered how ungrateful I must be to have all these blessings and still want more, or something different. It is unwaveringly true, though, I do want more (or something different).

"You make me lose my way, and you give me something I can't explain. Pull me through the haze, make me question what I knew before"

When I hear these lyrics, I hear India. It transports me into my own questioning. What do I understand? What did I "know" before setting foot into India over a year ago (and again a month ago)? I've somehow never been more curious, terrified, and sure in my life. I've never stood on a ledge of change in this way. Or worse, considered jumping. No one that I know has done this before. What is at the bottom? What happens during that free fall? I don't have answers, but I know myself, and I already know I'm going to jump anyway. So if I get lost, let me get lost. If I get hurt, let me hurt. If I die, well, I won't know that because I'll be dead (lol). I yearn for the answers to my questions. More than the answers, I yearn to be present with this version of me who is infatuated with having questions. I HAVE QUESTIONS!!! How beautiful to be moved to curiosity by life. I relish this haze (kind of).

One of the reasons I think India changed me so much is that I experienced it. Like fully. I didn't come to understand it in a logical sense, like I don't even understand it in a small way as it stands currently. But I was there, in my body while I:

Walked on the temple grounds.

Heard chanting and witnessed Pooja.

Played soccer with children.

Weaved through Chennai traffic in an auto.

Tasted new foods for the first time.

Drank copious amounts of coconut water.

Engaged in conversations that were not spoken language.

Danced in communities and learned their stories.

Felt the warmth of this country wrap around me.

For once, I didn't stand outside of an experience and analyze every moment. I let it affect me in whatever way it was going to affect me, and she sure fucking did affect me. Only now, much later, am I able to use logic to reflect though meaning making. For someone like me, this is rarer than it should be. I should spend more time with this thought.

I spoke with my friend the other day, who lives in India. I was crying (ofc), so sad. He said, "What is the matter?" to which I replied, "Everything, my whole life is falling apart." He then said, "It sounds like you're thinking too much, again, give yourself an hour or something like this to think (or cry) and then just do. Simply do, action is important." Is there a word that explains my DNA being rearranged in real time in my body? That's what I felt in that moment, stunned, simply profound, and from a man whose first language isn't English. Perhaps that is the power of a statement like this, that no native English speaker would share this sentiment in these words. It's not the first time someone has reflected the notion, though... in fact, Sha saying this lit up a neural pathway inside of me that has been untouched for about 5 years. Lara (my old therapist) told me the same thing in 2021. At that time, I was burnt out, on an LOA from work, and trying to build my life back brick by brick. I'm not quite in the same way as I was then, but if I keep going down this path, then I won't be far off.

"Doing is important." Maybe this is what today is really about.

Not the AC unit.

Not the tree that crushed my car.

Not the breakup.

Not even the meeting that made me realize, yet again, that I don't want to spend the best years of my life making an already unimaginably wealthy corporation more wealthy.

These life things just happened to be arriving on the same day, I can see clearly that they only scratch the surface of a deeper quandary. But, this is the weight of standing between worlds. There is the life I built because it made sense. The one with the stable job, the house, the predictable paycheck, the steady, safe love, and responsible decisions. And then there is this other life that has been whispering for years now. Like a breeze across hot skin, it says "India," and I feel relieved. It hums "Oxford" like a church choir, and I have chills. It screams "Social work, Research, Writing, Community," and I'm choking on everything I'm eating if it's not this. These things feel less certain, but it makes me feel infinitely more alive.

Is that why my emotions feel so primal? I bet they aren't just about today. And, if they aren't about today, then what is the pattern? Grief? Letting go of a safe version of myself that I worked incredibly hard to build? Having to admit that safety is not enough?

I keep asking whether the universe wants me to be patient or whether it's telling me to get my ass moving. Maybe the answer is neither! Or, maybe it's asking whether I trust myself enough to begin before certainty... I don't have this answer today.

Lost in life,

Mandeebeth