Feeling Different

A prompt I've been using for writing lately is to say something without saying it. Like, saying "I miss you," in a way that conveys the level of miss. It can be cheesy, like explaining how wide the ocean is as a comparison for the distance, or it can be simple, like longing for summer from a winter day. The point is to share more overtly what feels intense deep down and to avoid the overused popular expressions that lack sincerity. Also, maybe, because whoever you want to convey your miss towards might want to hear "I find myself searching for you in every room" over "I miss you". If anything has taught me about beautiful words, it's being around Tamil people for nearly two weeks!

As a person who craves novelty, finding new ways to express everyday feelings feels fresh, it adds nuance. I need that. BTW - I searched for fifteen minutes for an alternative word for novelty. It doesn't quite do the work of explaining that I desire the challenge of deep understanding over an extractive dopamine hit of the alternative word, "novelty".

Much of my tired feelings towards the United States, my place of origin, stem from this idea. Where are the original thoughts in this country? Or, the great thinkers who ideate as a life force rather than for merit? I mean, I'm sure they exist, but I've never met them. I'm currently traveling in search of a spark, even the smallest one, that might help me find new perspectives or a new life, perhaps. I'm certainly feeling different.

My journey this year didn't start in India, but I'm here now, and there is nowhere I'd rather be. Last summer, when I was heading home from India, the weight of leaving felt like the loss of a loved one. I had finally met a part of myself, one that hadn't existed until my feet touched Shiva temple floors. A version of me that felt like coming home at the end of the day or laughing from the belly. Who would ever want to say goodbye to that? My wildest dreams would have placed me in India only once in my lifetime, but sitting here at MALLI Resort for a second year in a row, it is clear that fortune found me twice. Will I leave this time feeling the separation like a splitting of twin flames?

I attribute much of my being here to the opportunities that grad school has provided. In fact, knowing that I'll graduate next year makes these kinds of experiences feel so final in a way I'm not ready to admit. I don't know if I'll ever be back, or if fortune (in this manner) finds a person more than twice. Should I just be happy with my twice-blessed Indian summers? Should I not want for more time here? This makes me sad.

India has gifted me, yet again, with an integrated deep dive into culture. A homemade South Indian dinner with Jedi's family in Chennai, dance classes at Sha's in Dharapuram, breakfast and a tour at Sibhi Natural Orchard and Farms with Venkatesh and his family. I can't stop thinking about how the universe gives us what we need, not what we want, and sometimes by happenstance those are one and the same. I needed this week, these people, but I would have never thought to ask for it like this.

Earlier, I sat on the bench near the Ganesha statue at MALLI, I cried onto a flower blossom and offered it back along with a prayer. I don't have words for the request, but my heart radiates something like sunshine on skin and kids laughing at a playground in the distance. I imagine in my mind's eye a peaceful life with the excitement of deep knowledge and purpose. I ask Ganesha if I can live in India one day, an honest bid for a life that feels genuinely good to be in. I simultaneously acknowledge that it's not for me to know if I will or will not see that desire through and that patience is what is required of me for the time being. I close the space by declaring that "whatever happens, be in the best interest of all parties involved." I don't wish to impose my logic on my future; I do wish to take my time and understand how I am co-creating in the journey.

It is a Blue Full Moon in Sagittarius tonight, allegedly a potent time for transformation and change. I'm feeling it deeply. As I sit by the pool staring into the bright light of this moon, I can't shake the silent yet profound precipice of my own soul, an internal shifting of plates in such a way that my old life no longer fits, and my new life has not yet taken any form. I feel the rumbling as these things collide.

I've lost track of how many times I've cried this week. Was it 7 or was it 10? Was it for joy, or for grief? My emotional body stands trembling at this peak; I'm looking around, terrified that the only way is down. Terrified of what will be asked of me next. The universe cannot give what we do not ask for, and we cannot have wisdom without facing the things we fear most. I've made my requests, now, I sit patiently in acceptance of what will be. I have a deep knowing from lived experience that what is co-created is far better than any solo plan of mine. I trust not in the fear and confusion I feel, but rather in the journey overall, even if that includes some scary parts. So mote it be!

Feeling something,

MB